okie, i changed the layout in the hope that i'll write more happy things. i wan to put a picture of myself but i really dunno which one to put. cuz it needs to look appropriate, like not slutty or wannabe-like. so, its still kiv..

i'm trying to really think about more positive things. i'm goign to try and make theses coming 4 weeks meaningful.

i'm gonna lose it. its been a frustrating week and i'm starting to not like things anymore. i noe i'm not even supposed to bitch but when you are sometimes thought to be less capable when you just want a chance to prove something, it almost breaks your confidence. there's absolutely no challenge in anything and when you are not even trusted to do something that is pure common sense, you just feel like slamming that person and walking off. the lack of experience does not mean that you cannot poduce a reasonably good piece of work. its difficult to go on when there's no motivation at all. when you know that you are not going to do anything useful. and its bloody insincere to rave about someone in front of that person just because you're trying to impress that somebody. you dun do justice to anyone and you dun earn any respect at all. and it hurts that person when all she wants is to gain some recognition and prove herself. honestly, i dun think that the work that happens around here is alien to me. i perfectly understand the concepts and with some guidance, i dun expect myself to do any less than anybody else. i'm not proud and praising myself but as a soon to be final year grad, i think that i cannot be deemed to know any less, can i? i really hope no one mistakes me for thinking i'm too smart or too good.. the ppl i work with with more experience, definitely have more exposure and know things better. they're really helpful. i mean really. but i cannot be of much help to them somehow. maybe they dunno how much i know but i think they dun realise that i'm not hear so much to learn but to do. I learn from doing because i believe in self discovery. i normally dun ask for help and go google my way through to get my answers. i auppose things dun work that way here but that was my persona vision..

now, i dunno how.. i'm lying through my teeth and making up things along the way just to keep the peace. i really need a challenge. its very tiring for my brain to not have anything to think about for the whole day. i rather do the most offensive looking stats problems and read my entire frs for that one detail than do nothing.

haiz. i dunno..i really don't. 4 weeks and 1 day.