It's the last day of the year. A fairly decent year I think. To tell the truth, I cannot really remember the first half. I think I might need to read some of my earlier posts.

I am surprised to find that I didn't make any resolutions last year. I think it could be likely because I had not accomplished those that I had set out in the previous year. So, I'll just copy those resolutions here,

1) run my first half marathon (NOT DONE!)

It's not that I'm lazy to run a half marathon. I just didn't find much time to train, so ended up doing my normal 5km routine runs only. I also had some gaps in between, espcially during exams. I'm back to running but this one is still something I need to put more effort towards.

2) never ever be complacent (A BIT!)

I think I'm somehow meant to work hard if I want to succeed in life. For a long time, I took things for granted, was too confident and too proud. I think there is some difference now. But, I'll still need to do more this coming year.

3) strengthen my relationship with God (YES!)

I think most people won't really see me as someone who is pious, given my general external persona. Given the fact that most of my friends practice a faith different from mine, I just prefer to keep my own practices private. In any case, I am not fit to preach to anybody so I would rather work on improving myself. I'm quite happy that I'm going to temple more often and I'm chanting the Lord's name everyday now. I'm reading books as well, so it's very fulfilling.

4) become a semi-vegetarian (HMMM!)

This is quite related to the previous resolution because you need to be meat-free to really get to the right state of mind. But, I think I want to be a vegetarian also because its the right thing to do. Most people are aware of the atrocities that animals are put through but choose to turn a blind eye. I think that is a very selfish frame of mind but sadly, many people do not feel anything. And just to be clear, I don't necessarily like animals. I just think it's cruel. So anyway, I was able to stay off meet whenever I had school or when I cooked my own food. The trouble is only when my mum or my aunt cooks. My words fall on deaf ears and I end up just eating because I don't want to make it a big issue. That is also why I keep wanting to buy my own house.

5) work out my other relationships (YES?)

Okay just to be clear, there are no boys involved. My guy friends are amazing because they don't give me anything to worry about. I feel I have to think less when I'm talking to them. And yes, I'm still un-surprisingly boyfriendless. It's more with my girlfriends that I thought I should reconnect. Just to remind everybody, this was two years ago, so I think I'm okay with everyone now. It took some time to realise that my friends have other friends and even boyfriends now, so they won't really have a lot of time for me. I re-defined my relationships with my friends - some became closer while others seemed just like a patch-up. In any case, I try to put in more effort now. But friends are always tricky. As for my family, it's more like a sine curve. Now, it's relatively fine and I hope it stays this way.


I think I'm not going to make more resolutions this year but simply work on the above. I'm glad to end the year on a high. I'm not worried about anything much and I've got the best grades this sem than I ever have in my entire uni life. I've booked my 2 grad trip tickets. I even have a job offer. So, I'm very blessed.

AVATAR IS THE BEST MOVIE OF THE DECADE!

Initially, I was skeptical because those odd-shaped blue creatures didn't look too pleasing to the eye. And one could easily pass it off some sci-fi crap, in the likes of Star Trek. But this was beyond anything I imagined. James Cameron is such a genius! The story was told with such emotions and magnificence that you could easily get lost in the world of Pandora. You feel so connected with the Na'vi people that you want to become one of them. It's a really good film especially at this point of time. You are immersed in so much corporatism and materialism that you sometimes forget to appreciate that nature provides and she will always work to preserve the balance. I watched it in 3D and again, it was not the usual gimmicky image-popping kind of effects but more subtle and real. The 3D effect makes you experience Pandora for yourself. It's the dream.

I have to absolutely blog about this.

Okay, my job interviews are tomorrow and we are supposed to bring transcripts. So, I went online to request the transcripts and asked them to be mailed. I thought there would be enough time for me to get the mail. But I recalled at 4am today that I hadn't received it, so I woke up at 8.30 to give a call to Office of Academic Services. The woman took about 2 minutes to pick up my call and said hi in the most uncaring tone. She did not even bother to say who she was or whether it was OAS that I was speaking to at all. I mean, it's just basic professionalism right? I told her that I hadn't received my transcripts and she checked her system and told me that they had already mailed it on 25th Nov. I had checked my mail (my mom puts mine on my table) and didn't find it there. I told the woman that I didn't receive it and she bluntly replied, "We posted it on the 25th. If it gets lost in mail, we are not liable." I was totally dumbfounded. Come on, not even a little bit of tact? I was really angry but since I had to suck it up in order to get my transcripts. I asked her if it is possible for me to come to school now and get my transcript printed on the same day since the interview was tomorrow and there was no way I could wait for 5 working days. She told me to come today and make payment in cash and told me to come back tomorrow afternoon to collect it. She said she was making an exception even though it would be really dumb since my interview would be over by then. It's one piece of paper that I could possibly print in my own home. How long would it really take? Is NTU even concerned about whether its students get a job? Is this how you help someone who is pleading for their transcript and all you care about is your rules? No, transcripts are not even signed by anyone! It's just a freaking printer you need! You tell me, you need a day for that? This is a shame! NTU, i'm so disappointed to have studied here!

I'm finally 21 now. The first thing I told myself I'll stop doing is to swear. Next, to revive my English. I'm not sure how to do it since it may bring some social awkwardness. But before that, I owe a big thanks to my family for the simple celebration with the cake being just what I love. Fresh cream- a lot, a lot of cream! And to my friends for their wishes and presents!

The Singtel woman finally called regarding my HTC Hero. YES! It'll be delivered to my doorstep next Tuesday. After 306 paper that day, I saw sheng who asked me if I wanted to go HK with him and his friend. I didn't even think and said yes. It's with free accomodation at sheng's aunt's place, so it's pretty worthit. But it's only next year in July. Yvonne should be coming with me! Hope that works out fine.

There are some things I wish I could tell people. Certain someone in particular. It could turn out pretty awkward and I cannot really tell wat I could get from it all. It's just this feeling that you wish you could feel more often. In any case, it was like a mini birthday present.=)

I guess you'd say

What can make me feel this way?

=)

My blog posts are getting into such one liners that I should probably get twitter. Okay, so for today, I'll make sure its at least two lines. Exams have started since last Friday. 304 seemed quite okay but it seemed okay for everyone. And so, that would not be good news for me I guess. Today was french and I'm glad I didn't S/U it. Hoping to get an A but maybe that oh-so-hot professor distracted me too much. I actually wrote this in my essay, "II y a très beaus hommes en France". But I suppose that's somewhat true. Forensic was rubbish from the word go and i'm a little upset. It's just 306 left for me to get through with.

oh, just want to give thanks for the piece of good news. =)

You are such a piece of work. I hope you find some love.

the sickest feeling in the world is what i have right now.

maybe i misjudged. maybe it's all for the best.

My card for PayPal got approved but I couldn't find the 4 digit code in my card statement. Rather frustrating since e bay's having very good deals now and I can't buy anything. =(

Anyway, hoping Chelski thrashes Manure.

I know no one but Krsna as my Lord, and He shall remain so even if He handles me roughly by His embrace or makes me brokenhearted by not being present before me. He is completely free to do anything and everything, for He is always my worshipful Lord unconditionally.

-Lord Caitanya

A good friend of mine sent me an email, personally urging me to sign the petition on marital rape. This issue has been much discussed for a couple of months now and I did give it some thought. I think by face value, it's very easy to condemn the law for not taking any action against marital rape. It's an absolutely horrible act, the person responsible should be punished. But the fact is unlike other laws where you can bring about material evidence to suggest guilt, the type of evidence here would be rather weak. It would be even worse in bitter divorce cases, especially those involving child custody. How would you be sure that the woman is not conniving some kind of plan to get a divorce and spite her husband? I think that the law's already pretty biased against men, especially since women these days can be quite a bitch. I honestly empathize with women who sometimes have no way to get out of such torment but I just don't think that enacting a law would be the best answer. It would really screw innocent men and the law has a high potential for being misused. I can't think of any good solution for these women but if you are stuck in such a marraige, get yourself a divorce early.

I just realised how bad my spoken English has become. I'm talking like a total ah lian! shit. oh i miss ac! My language just sucks so bad I'm finding it hard to talk to people without making myself look dumb. Come on prav, you still have it in you!

I finally finished watching how I met your mother till the latest episode! Barney's such a genius and it's great that Barney and Robin are together. They look so..wait for it.. AWESOME!

I checked my weight today. 46.9kg =)

do values mean anything to people these days?

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even without fists held high, yeah
Never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now
I can't stop

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

My blogging's rather irregular lately. It's nothing but the same things happening so I don't really have anything much to talk about. Just need to learn to appreciate people more. I'm on a high now! =)

now, to figure how to get myself into ey tax..

Three days of hard core mugging.. Ok, actually not that hard core. But the point is, it was something I wish i'd never have to do again! There's not even a one day break and its back to seminars. I have yet to touch any and I'm not sure how much I'm going to get done.

Tomorrow's Big 4 Fair and I'm still quite confused. I need to ask the people about tax, cuz if I make this one decision wrong, I'll be screwed for the rest of my life. And wuzy is sure to kill me if I switch to audit. Hopefully, that doesn't happen! I hope EY accepts me. Normally when I plan myself to go somewhere, it never ends up as such. So, I'm crossing my fingers.

My hair is pretty messed up and it's completely my fault. Need to survive at least a month with this. Crap.

i'm doing some really stupid things these days.

my "daughters-in-law" is not loading for episode 26! which means I have to wait until next week to watch it. bleah! I have been wasting my Sunday morning and afternoon. watched F1 (hamilton was 3rd!=D) and the replay of manure drawing with sunderland =D=D=D.. I thought I wouldn't have finished studying but have been rather efficient with 304. 306 is some sort in my mind and I guess I'm not too worried now. It's possibly forensic thats giving me the creeps since everyone will some sort score. I still have joel's party tonite and thank god he moved so near me! I could possibly run there but I think that's possibly not a good idea. And I'm so proud of my stomach these days. It's flat. =)

"당신은 매우 수있습니다 cute"!

-mijin

i'm so upset with the latest season of desperate housewives. i'm not going to spoil it for anyone but i was hoping mike didn't marry her.

If I had a dime

For every single time

These boys stop and stare

I'll be a billionaire!

This is like one of the best rhyming lyrics of all time. and its totally stuck in my head.

being vegetarian is quite awesome. i suppose its been rather hard because of the lack of anything vege in jurong point and the fact that can B vege stall is getting quite horrible. ended up cooking pasta with tomato sauce. and i've to probably survive on that for a while. i miss mooncakes though. i mean the snow skin kind.. and come to think of it, i don't think they have eggs in those.. should check it out. so why do i say its awesome? because i'm guilt-free. =)

This mode of nothingness needs to stop. If I can be this boring when i'm in school, I cannot imagine what might happen when I start working. There's very little to do this semester. I mean, I could pick up my books if I wanted to but other than that, I find myself having nothing to do. I return straight home, watch my Korean dramas and try to keep myself occupied till I get sleepy. It's my last year and there's no excitement at all. I don't feel happy or sad or angry about anything. I'm just going through the process hoping that something, anything might happen.

Gym's not making me happy as well. I've always believed in looking good for myself but now, I stare at the mirror and I feel sick. Not seeing my family or my aunt makes it worst. I used to think that living home alone would be awesome because I get to do anything. To tell the truth, it was great for a few weeks but after that, you feel like it's only you. I told my mum that I wanted to buy a studio apartment and move out as soon as I can afford it. Obviously my mum blew her top and said I won't be leaving the house until I get married. Seeing that the probability of the time taken for me to afford my own house might be higher the time I take to get married, I'm even more determined to fight for my own crib. But now, I think I see the bad side of it and maybe I need to figure something out.

My friends are great. But time changes things and when you travel a different journey from your friend, the mechanics of your relationship does change. I don't feel as close to my st.marg's friends anymore. Maybe to a certain extent, it could be because I haven't taken that much effort to see them. Till today, I think that I had one of my best times in st.marg's. It wasn't classy like AC or reputable like NBS but I was somehow at ease. I wasn't cool, I didn't look pretty, I wasn't the smartest. But I had awesome friends. I still keep in touch with my AC friends but I can see that things are going to change. And now, everyone seems to have a boyfriend or girlfriend and that somehow makes that person the most important. I'm not sour grapes or anything. Honestly I'm very very happy for them. But in some way, a little jealous. So many friends not in Singapore and its really sucking.

I hope things change. I really hope there's more.

You would not believe your eyes,
If ten million fireflies.
Lit up the world as I fell asleep.
'Cause they fill the open air,
And leave teardrops everywhere.
You think me rude,
But I would just stand and stare.

I'd like to make myself believe,
That Planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
'Cause everything is never as it seems.

'Cause I get a thousand hugs,
From ten thousand lightening bugs.
As they try to teach me how to dance,
A foxtrot above my head,
A sockhop beneath my bed.
The disco ball is just hanging by a thread.

I'd like to make myself believe,
That Planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
'Cause everything is never as it seems when I fall asleep.

Leave my door open just a crack (please take me away from here),
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac (please take me away from here).
Why do I tire of counting sheep? (please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep.

To ten million fireflies,
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes.
I got misty eyes as they said farewell,
But I know where several are.
If my dreams get real bizarre,
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar.

I'd like to make myself believe,
That Planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
'Cause everything is never as it seems when I fall asleep.

Apparently if you didn't know, today was the Ministerial Forum in NTU where the PM gave a speech. No, I did no attend. But I was walking by the auditorium at 2.30 to see about 10 policemen gathered around. So, Lee Hsien Loong was coming. even if you didn't know, that would make sure you did. 10 ppl to waste their time a clear 4 to 5 hours from the start of the event.. and bags had to be deposited somewhere else i think. so much security for one man and who really is he? is he any more than any other Singaporean? i don't know, you answer that yourself!

wat i was really disturbed by was that the forum was attended largely by foreigners. and they seem to be singing praises of Lee. His speech talked on how Singaporeans need to embrace foreigners (the same bs his govt had been trying to psycho us with) and so obviously foreigners find this something they can accept. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate foreigners. I have frens who are such and I never discriminate. We have our differences, i'm quite not on the same page as them but that's my own problem, not theirs. But its how foreigners look at things so positively that it makes us locals seemd like cry babies who depend on their govt for everything. i guess maybe because we've had such propaganda thrown at us all these time, its hard to appreciate the government. human rights is fundamental in any society. for the sake of superficial peace, Singaporeans have to forsake their rights. Why does the govt not ask us what we want but instead always tell us what to do? Honestly, i'm disilusioned. I appreciate what I have but its never the feeling of satisfaction because some people value other things more than economic status or security.

So, pap will keep welcoming foreigners. because they know that that's the only support they will have in the coming years. =(

i'm getting darker than midnight! after dyeing my hair to dark brown, i can't even see my face properly! and my dark circles are even darker though i thought that could never happen. just kill me!

I feel like a total jackass for not wishing ed off on exchange. I have no excuse at all since I wasn't the busiest person last week. I suck. period.

i have no idea wats been up with me this sem but i'm totally not bothered abt anything. i almost totally missed the add/drop (the one where there are actually vacancies) and i haven't bought books. i dun even enjoy seeing ppl anymore. i mean i never enjoyed that but its like u just wish u can run away from all of them. because they always remind you of how life's not that great! i might really go into depression. the kind that no one knows about because i'm quite crazy on the outside. or maybe, i'm just thinking too much!

I got a letter from CPF Board saying that i had insufficient funds for insurance deduction in my account. i think i only had 100 plus in my account because most of my jobs did not pay CPF. and seems that the stupid govt took all my money to pay off all sort of insurance. so in the end, all my savings have gone to paying dumb premiums for bullshit policies.its not really the money that i'm disturbed by. more of the fact on how the govt uses the apathticnature of sgporeans to push policies.

i think that i am a much more active citizen than most of the ppl around me. if this can happen to me, it can happen to any of the apathetic ppl out there and they would have no clue about it! this has always been the reason why the govt can push for dumb policies because not many pp actually care. and the outlets provided to complain are just useless and one way! you ask your minister a qsn and he gives you a standard answer or something that you've already heard before without allowing for any sort of open debate. after reading so many parliamentary debates, i have totally lost faith in all the MPs. and there are those asswipes who suck up to the govt, from newspapers to school professors! pity..

the govt will probably say that i should be lucky to be born here. i used to think so.. the govt's propaganda worked for a while but once you get older, singing national day songs won't do anymore. except for economic prosperity, i dun see things here being any different from north korea or myanmar. its not only abt money, its abt having control over your life. to be given the right to choose. not just in elections, but also when it comes to decisions that have a direct effect on you (like my CPF and whether i want to buy insurance!).

should've known..the men-in-white are just politicians after all.

i've got awesome johnny depp specs now! yay!

and i finally got to cutting a fringe! it looks pretty nice i think.. but still not complete without my pink bits.. hopefully i'll get that done by this next week!

okay, its been more than a week since pa finished. i dun really wanna blog about it but just wan to say that it was much better than i expected and i think i'll be doing tax in the future. okie, moving on.. i think i need to start giving tuition again. after one sem of slacking, my bank account has depleted and i haven't been able to buy much this gss. but strangely i'm shopping post gss.. buying loads of clothes and bags but it never seems enough. i need to handcuff myself to my bed to make sure i dun buy anymore stuff. oh, finally caught public enemies and its absolutely awesome shit! okay, i'm not being an inch bias but if johnny depp had not acted in this film, it wouldn't have rocked. he totally owned it! i suppose the best scenes were still those between him and marion coutillard. he's like such an unconventional lover. its not the matthew mcconaughey or brad pitt type.. maybe more like george clooney.. he uses corny lines that dun sound as such, simply because its him saying it. and you totally fall for it! oh i wish i could marry him! ok i wish tt all the time!

i'm gonna bake a chocolate fudge cake with ganache. i went to jurong east today to get the ingredients from the bake shop but found out that it had closed. =( and i just wandered around that area so that it wun feel like i wasted a trip. found some pretty good shops, including one which sold kerastase at a really cheap price! i'm heading there soon!

she likes to make me cry. to use words in the most hurtful way. i know its her way of venting anger at me and possibly even to let me know her exact feelings. i don't like verbal thrashing of anyone and am not going to get myself into one because that will never end anything.

i keep wondering if i am in the wrong. is it wrong to not believe a person who has blatantly lied to you many times before, with the her own confession to "lie at her convenience", even if she may be telling the truth?

i want to move on. i keep writing in here that i dun wan to talk about it but this seems like its my only outlet especially when i can't talk about this to anyone else rite now. i honestly wish i could tell this to someone to help me see how i am in the wrong. but who?i need someone to give me a non-biased view on things. i feel really lonely these days. my heart is heavy and stricken all the time and i find it so hard to think about anything. i tell myself not to cry and to focus on other things. but i'm yet to find some success at that.

i am not trying to seek sympathy or pity for the dilemma that has struck me. i believe that its my own actions that have caused this. i dun think i can do anything about it because some things take time to heal and some don't ever heal if the feelings not there. i dun even talk to her these days because i think the less i say, the less the hatred. i honestly don't hate her anymore. its not because i'm saintly and all-nice but because there is a part of the Lord in all of us which means there is goodness in all of us. this i have to accept even if originally i dun resonate with it. i have no right to judge her and i've learnt from my mistakes.

i only wish for now for her to stop her verbal abuse. because it may be too late to regret that what goes up must come down. and that its true regardless of whther you are spiritual or not. please, just stop this.

maybe all i need is a break. i'm tired of worrying about things, people... i'm moving on. no more blogging about this.

so, i was watching another mj tribute today. and i couldn't help but think he's really quite sexy in this video. its really quite unconventional the way he tries to woo the girl but i'm quite sure it would work on me.

what happens when you lie?

i know the ill-effects of blantant lying. i have lied countless times, mostly harmless yes, but with the effect of me having to keep on lying. it sucks to lie because i think some part of you feels really guilty. but after some time, it gets better. you become used to it and it becomes an addiction. thankfully, i don't have the necessity to lie these days. its not worthit.

but my point is that when you keep lying, and when one day you tell the truth, you will never convince a soul. and i don't blame them for not believing because of the lessons you taught them about how believing you would never yield anything good. its time for some evaluation on how to earn their trust, not for thrashing vulgarities to show you din do it but dun realise why others blame you! (if it is not meant for you, you may have trouble understanding)

its been really hard on me because i was thinking how i should react. i don't know if my reactions were the best, but at least i know some things. its funny how its in moments of anger that you blurt out the deepest feelings of yours.

you don't love me, you don't even like me.

there's just so many things i want to blog about. from mj's death to some personal issues. but everytime i get to the "create post" page, i just cancel the whole window. alrites, i think i'll leave my ramblings for another time and just write about course registration (oh like, how boring!).. got my first choice classes. its damn awesome i tell you. sf's in both my classes and the rest in at least one! it makes me feel good after a really bad day yesterday. happened to "lose" my camera. i don't know how its possible to lose it since it was just sitting around my table and i vividly remember the position of it. can't say i was careless because i knew the exact place it was supposed to be. so, i don't know what happened. just need to be cautious. against what/who you may ask! and that, i cannot answer. haiz, its was really expensive and i had to use my salary to buy it. thats why its so painful. haiz. seems my blog still isn't turning out to be happy ever with the change in layout.

i have to look after myself.

okie, i changed the layout in the hope that i'll write more happy things. i wan to put a picture of myself but i really dunno which one to put. cuz it needs to look appropriate, like not slutty or wannabe-like. so, its still kiv..

i'm trying to really think about more positive things. i'm goign to try and make theses coming 4 weeks meaningful.

i'm gonna lose it. its been a frustrating week and i'm starting to not like things anymore. i noe i'm not even supposed to bitch but when you are sometimes thought to be less capable when you just want a chance to prove something, it almost breaks your confidence. there's absolutely no challenge in anything and when you are not even trusted to do something that is pure common sense, you just feel like slamming that person and walking off. the lack of experience does not mean that you cannot poduce a reasonably good piece of work. its difficult to go on when there's no motivation at all. when you know that you are not going to do anything useful. and its bloody insincere to rave about someone in front of that person just because you're trying to impress that somebody. you dun do justice to anyone and you dun earn any respect at all. and it hurts that person when all she wants is to gain some recognition and prove herself. honestly, i dun think that the work that happens around here is alien to me. i perfectly understand the concepts and with some guidance, i dun expect myself to do any less than anybody else. i'm not proud and praising myself but as a soon to be final year grad, i think that i cannot be deemed to know any less, can i? i really hope no one mistakes me for thinking i'm too smart or too good.. the ppl i work with with more experience, definitely have more exposure and know things better. they're really helpful. i mean really. but i cannot be of much help to them somehow. maybe they dunno how much i know but i think they dun realise that i'm not hear so much to learn but to do. I learn from doing because i believe in self discovery. i normally dun ask for help and go google my way through to get my answers. i auppose things dun work that way here but that was my persona vision..

now, i dunno how.. i'm lying through my teeth and making up things along the way just to keep the peace. i really need a challenge. its very tiring for my brain to not have anything to think about for the whole day. i rather do the most offensive looking stats problems and read my entire frs for that one detail than do nothing.

haiz. i dunno..i really don't. 4 weeks and 1 day.

taking bus to work in the peak hours has really reminded me why i hate living here.

a pregnant young lady is standing in a crowded 960, visibly in discomfort by the lack of a seat in the stuffy, aircon-less bus. and yet, no one, not a single one offered her a seat. wat really stumped me was the fact that they had absolutely no feeling of guilt or any sort of emotion at their action, or rather inaction. yes, high heels are hellish at 6pm in the evening. yes, i know its insanely exhausting. but isn't that poor preganant woman feeling exactly that? and wait, add a huge mass of baby load to that. the trend seems to be that its the young people with such ugly behaviour. i tot singapore was supposed to be known as a gracious society.. gracious my foot!

and today, a fucking bastard tried to molest me in the bus. and it was like in open light since i was standing in the centre. i'm not gonna go into details at wat he tried to do but it was really sad to see that everyone was just keeping quiet doing nothing when i was in obvious disress and i could bet on anything that they quite knew what was happening.

i need to get myself a car. with my own money that is. ppl keep telling me that i'm stupid for not taking up my dad's offer. but i noe i dun deserve it. no, i'm not trying to act noble and all. but really, i dun think its that classy to depend on my parents. i wun say much since quite a number of my frens are to the contrary. but watever it is, the point remains that i need to earn money. i was just thinking about all the things that i need to spend on once i start working. and it became very miserable to think abt it anymore. sighz..

on a happy note, i started to read half blood prince again. cannot wait for the movie!:)

i'm booked till the end of the week and broke to bits already.. internship pay is like peanuts and i cannot depend on it at all.. sucks totally..

hahahaha! i need to blog this because its both scary and flattering! i was walking from bugis to bencoolen yest and on the way i saw two young angmohs at bugis village. since they were just two random angmohs, without giving them any particular attention, i went on to walk through the rather smelly crowd of teenagers. as i was strolling to bencoolen, one of the guys suddenly came from the back and tapped me on the shoulder (no, he din let go). he said that he's fren (the other angmoh) likes me. as i was blasting my earphones, i was quite blur as to wat he had just said. then like 5 secs later, the other guy came up to be and out of nowehere, just put his hand around my shoulders and started introducing himself. so apparently he's george and he's from the us. he asked me my name and where i was from. though, quite taken aback, i politely answered him back (his hand is still on my shoulder). and he said that we should go somewhere and have fun throughout the night, like drink or something. i quite saw that coming and speaking in his lingo, i was like,"AWWW! I have to totally go somewhere now!" (expression: highly disappointed that i had to give it a miss.) and then, i kinda released myself from his grip and he was still trying to cajole me into going with them. i put my acting skills to work again and said bye to him by reaching out my hand. he took my hand and locked it around his and started walking as if i had said yes. so this time, i kinda pleaded to him (*put on a very sad face) to let me go, which he eventually did. so all this happened in the middle of like ten thousand pairs of eyes that looked shocked, possibly because i actually played along. ok, i admit that those two guys were kinda hot but i kinda did some rationalisation in my head and thought that i din actually need to run or scold them. they were just friendly, maybe slightly overboard for the average singaporean but i thought they were still fine. and it was not like they could do anything in that place. so when i tell my frens, they are shocked at my behaviour.. like as if i just agreed to sleep wif them! crazy ppl!

right before that had lunch with athena and lw. and damn, it was quite a morale booster to someone who was feeling so shitty at not being hit on regularly by anyone.lol. oh, i'm really happy for athena! she totally deserves to be happy and i love my babe to bits!!=)

i

the sem seems to have ended rather abruptly. the thought that this could be the last sem i might actually be with some of the girls is quite depressing!  seeing how at the start of the sem, i was rather apprehensive as this sem was going to be without sok fang. i mean, she's really the one who can see me eye-to-eye in most things and after one whole sem of only seeing her face, it was quite strange going back to the original girls. i dun know if you rmb my posts in year 1 but they were mostly about how these bunch of ppl were not the kind that i hang out with. not my ac or st.marg's kind but more subdued and less bitchy. i still think the same way but i suppose time changes everything and when you start opening up, you can really bring the friendships to a whole new level. so to think that once most of them leave for instep, i'll be drifting about in the nbs that i oh-so dislike, is daunting.  i guess i'll stick to rest of them but its not the same seeing that i'll be way too loud for the ppl in sg and possibly a total jackass (just as fb predicted)!

i dun wan to think about next sem. I dun wan to think about internship. i wish i could freeze time to this moment. cuz rite now, everything's perfect for me. 

just perfect...

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed

You said move on, where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer in the middle of winter
Like a hard candy with a surprise center
How do I get better once I've had the best?
You said there's tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test

He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth, oh!
(Taste your mouth)
He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into

You're the best, and yes, I do regret
How I could let myself let you go
Now, now the lesson's learned
I touched it, I was burned
Oh, I think you should know!

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your, your eyes
Looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes

Oh, won't you walk through?
And bust in the door and take me away?
Oh, no more mistakes
'Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay, stay

i made a very terrible statement today in front of someone i shouldn't have..regrets but i cannot resolve anything. must learn to be more tactful and less superficial. =(

i need to stop watching movies..confessions of a shopaholic.. another chic flic..strange that jerry bruckheimer produced it..lol..but yeah.. everything's fine now.. i'm pretty contented except with PA which i hope i'll forget about soon.. did i mentioned i cut my hair that day? oh well, seems like nobody really figured that.. and they refused to believe me when i said i did. damn, i should go for something outrageous soon. 

i cannot stand 2 weeks of no football. who cares about the lame internationals.. GIMME MY TORRES BACK! 

caught He's Just NOt That Into YOu today.. must say i was more impressed than i thought i would be. i suppose ppl will say its just another romcom but this wan is diff, firstly becuz of the star-studded casts but most importantly because its so brutally honest. "He's just not that into you" it would kill for any girl to hear that.. but imagine how much better relationships would become if women actually got to accept that. i like the justin long and the big love girl pairing cuz its absolutely cute. and girl says this,

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs."

how so true. everyone (including me) hopes to be the exception. i mean, who doesn't wan their own happy ending.. but i guess with the kind of life in singapore and the kind of guys there are here, thats highly unlikely. there's not gonna be a knight in shining armour, esp when u keep hoping for it. reading the signs.. oh boy do i wish it could be easier.. i can read signs for everyone except for myself. i keep wondering if a certain guy likes me while actually completely ignoring( and sometimes, bashing) the guy who actually does. maybe i'm just meant to be the rule.. 

sometimes i just feel like laughing at myself. why do i even bother.. its really sad to see how grades play almost wholly in deciding the calibre of someone. whether u can get an internship, whether you can go for an exchange, whether you are worth the effort.. i noe i dun give my best in studies but i sometimes feel that life's a bit unfair to me. i'm not jealous or bitter. i just find the whole situation incomprehensible.

ey and moores haven't contacted me. guess its back to grades again! i feel like going up to them and give them a knock on the head. some of the most talented ppl i've seen have dreadful grades and i am sure that they would do well if given the chance. its such an unfair system. meritocracy they say but its come to a point where they are just rigid and stagnant.

 and that is why u keep losing your talent!

a valentine's day not filled wif love..

its painful to come back home, act like nothing happened. trust is a very special thing to me because i rarely trust anyone. to hear that someone whom you think about every few moments doesn't trust you is devastating. and even more when you realise you can no longer trust her. it was never to be this way but after getting betrayed once and twice and again and again when all you've hoped to be is honest, you just give up. i cannot let the other people in my life get hurt because of one person. you keep thinking its just a phase that will pass but sometimes people use words that is worst than stabbing your heart deep with a dagger. you just need to stop crying and walk away. do i trust her anymore? i dun think so. but i still pray everyday for her to find Krishna the way I did. and when i see her as someone to be proud of, i'll be more happy than anything in the world! 

and till then, at least He is one person I will always trust.

watched three movies today..just to see what the buzz abt the oscar movies are. personally i was really only interested in seeing milk because of the theme. but just kept watching one after another. so if i was allowed to vote for best picture, it'll be

1)slumdog millionaire

2)milk

3)the curious case of benjamin button

okay, i haven't really seen the wrestler and the rest of the movies but i suppose the commercial ones are somehow more attractive. when i watched milk, i thought nothing could be better but slumdog proved me so wrong. its a feel good movie, not really bollywood style(which is awesome!) and somehow reminds me of city of god.  the youngest jamal is awfully cute and the music is brilliant. and i dun understand why the ppl in the indian slums are so worked up. it does create awareness and i do believe the potrayal is quite accurate. the children are blinded, they cheat their way thru life but nobody could really blame them. maybe the movie did generalise but which movie doesn't? 

milk was interesting from beginning to end. the potrayal of harvey milk as a sensitive vulnerable man was wat made the movie so watchable. of course lets not forget diego luna and james franco. their roles are not big but they add to the yummy factor!=) and i hate anita bryant. i tried to google her since movies dun really portray ppl accurately but after all i've read, i still hate her. i mean, i cannot hate her so let me just pray for her!

benjamin button was somewhat slow and except for the makeup wonders, there wasn't really much to look forward to. i think the story telling is beautiful and cate blanchett is beautiful. i just thought abthow it must be for her to see brat in his last few days as nothing more than a 5 pound baby not even sure if he knows her. not the greatest but definitely worth a watch!

my sis's com is so messed up that i cannot even open windows media player. wtf! okay, anyway, its gonna be cny and i'm so looking forward to the long break. there's so much catching up to do and we''re so screwed without a company..


so much for happy holidays!

days of sleeping for 3 hours are back. i told myself that i would get more sleep this week but apparently thats not gonna happen. i'm trying not to lose motivation but i can see that i'm slipping from the disciplined girl i once used to be. somehow, i'm doing so many things this sem despite not having any more tuitions. 

aiesec is much more draining with corporate breakfast and other events. just had elections today. personally, i understand that the whole idea and objective of having the elections. it was interesting to see how much passion the candidates had for aiesec and sometimes i wonder if i will ever have that kind of belief. right now, i think i'm not feeling anything very strong but i'm still in it because i like the idea that aiesec represents.  however, i just find that many of the processes during the elections were rather inefficient. i dun wanna be mistaken to be arrogant or rude but i think that 52 speeches, no matter how inspirational dun really go into the minds of the members. there's a saturation point and after that, its s exhausting. in any case, congrats to yunzhou for winning LCP position! =)

i applied for instep on the last day. first choice uni of alberta, canada. i know the results are not gonna be out for some time but i cannot stop being excited. the thought of escaping from this mundaness and doing something totally outrageous is just too much to take in. i need a break and one to canada would be awesome. hopefully qiuqiu, yati, wuzzy and me all make it! 

i'm trying out a new job. can't really say what it is for now but i'm pretty sceptical about what i'll be doing. first training in the morning and i hope its fulfilling. need to earn some cash, save for instep and for shopping. i'm horribly starved since the last thing i bought was a pair of black heels. i'm eyeing a pair of 6 inch but i think better keep that for next time.

presentation on monday and i'm feeling totally messed. my group started the project so late and somehow everyone seemed to be calm about it. its just not my style to rush everything in the last min and it was very tough working with them. i think some ground rules need to be set from the next project. azy, pls wake up!

i've been receiving more compliments about how i look these days. it feels quite mixed cuz while you feel good about yourself, it seems a little superficial that people see you as someone who's just pretty. i know how fucked i looked in my st.marg's days and to a slightly lesser extent in my ac days but at least then ppl described me as confident, passionate, etc. now, its like i count for nothing more.. and somehow it is always attached with the question, "How come you are not attached?" its right now the hardest question to answer cuz i seriously cannot figure that out. and then i came across this article on Dawn Yeoh in todays's TNP.

she said,"I don't even have time for my family, much less a boyfriend ... It actually doesn't matter if I can find a certain person attractive. What is more important is that he's attracted to me. I'm just waiting for someone to make the move first." 

my sentiments exactly

I’m not a princess
This ain’t a fairytale
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain’t Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

its horrible feeling all so groggy. my nose is peeling from all those sneezing and it just won't go away! two whole months w/o blogging despite being online like most of the time.. i think i'm losing interest in blogging.. possibly a sign that i've grown up seeing i'm now 20!! yay! but then again, maybe its just my laziness. so, nothing much these hols except trip to batam with tutorial mates and bangkok/pattaya with family. shopping's just so not enough! these days, i'm just hoping to stay at home and waste my life away.. think i've been doing a pretty gd job at that.. 

bleah, my flu is acting again!

*coughs*coughs!

i should seriously remember to write more often before my blog dies. need to satisfy my narcissistic desires more frequently! well, the projects have been flooding me and its sick. i dun mind not having a life but the one thing i really treasure is sleep and i'm not getting much of it these days. i'm looking way uglier in pictures without sleep and my body clock has become wierd. i haven't touched books in ages and have no idea what's happening during lessons. Its not the lack of motivation but the fact that there's just too many things to do that you dun have time for anything else. Well, finally got my 201 revision for some chapters done. i should become a good girl again.

it was deepavali yest and well, guess i din really do anything. pretty normal like just another day. just a little foul that i din get any hongbaos but other than that, i'm happy to just stay home. my dad did give me 100 bucks but think it'll just go into my bank account which is looking pretty desperate right now. other than that, i've been drowning in dramas. i'm watching 6 shows at the moment and i'm so addicted. i just hope i can restrain myself during the mugging period. gosh! self-reminder: exams in 2 weeks! AHHHH!

its really hard being vegetarian. i'm still not breaking it but its like major hard to go out with anyone. i'm rotating between the same few places again and again and i'm feeling awful to see my frens not being able to enjoy their dinner. they are nice enough to accomodate me but its kinda making me feel so horrible. why can't everyone be vegetarian? its all the love for meat and its really sad to see that most people don't even have a tinge of guilt while others choose to ignore everything that happens in the process of making its way on their dinner plate. what makes us greater than animals that gives us the right to decide on their fate? i don't know.

many people have asked me how come it is alrite to eat plants but not animals. i cannot deny that i was stumped for a moment. but i read up and can only provide an answer based on my own beliefs. Plants and animals are not the same. plants do not have the complex neural systems that animals have and therefore, they are highly unable to feel anything when they are cut. you don't see plants moving or showing any signs of stress do you? this isn't the case for animals. i so wish animals were like plants but since they aren't, i dun wanna do it.

even my parents are against me so its quite demoralising. still wan to become a full vegetarian by 25 and my progress is pretty good. hopefully i keep to it. and hopefully, more vege stalls come up!



"If you believe in the law of the jungle,that you eating weaker animals is okay,why is stronger animals eating you not okay?

Like you, even an ant clings to its life and fears death.
Like you, even an ant prefers compassion.
Like you, even an ant wants freedom"

recess again. and i'm not going to go on abt how i dun think its recess and all that. yes, i do have alot of work but at least, its a break. so i'll gladly take it. have been up to alot thse past few weeks. aiesec's been pretty interesting. Jumpstart was very enriching and I'm ver happy to be somewhere where people don't judge or act superficially. It did take a little getting used to to see so many random ppl just talking to you but i quite appreciate it and it has really broadened my perspectives. at least i'm beginning to appreciate people more and am now even trying to take a step to achieve my goals.

meetings with diff groups of ppl. yes, was quite good. meeting my babes plus lw tmr. still need to find a slot of ed.. plus two days of non stop project meetings. yay, i enjoy my life! haha, really i do!=)

i survived a rather mad two days.. finally got some sleep which lasted more than the 2 hours(max) i've been getting. 201 din suck.. was better than expected thankfully. and the presentation..well dun wanna start swearing so lets just forget it..

recess is one week away and i need it so so badly..much to catch up and really wanna meet some people.. aiesec camp this weekend so dunno whether i'll even go home.. haven't seen my home in two weeks and i quite miss having aircon.. arghs..feel so overwhelmed. i dun even noe whether i should bother about all these recruitment talks or not.. i noe most of my frens dun care and frankly, i dun as well.. but i'm scared i won't get a decent job since i quite come very strongly at times and am too truthful during interviews that i totally flunk them..

to tell the truth, i just wish i could stop school and become an air stewardess and fly away to anywhere from here. there's so much stress and negativity that its totally killing my soul.. haiz, maybe i just need a break.

i think everything's turned out for the best. i'm not regretting anything that i've done and i thank God for somehow making something great out of a really bad situation that i was in. hare krishna!

school's madness as usual. and i'm glad i'm staying nearer to sch now seeing that i'm coming home from school almost 11 for like 3 days a week. i'm surviving on 3 hours of sleep rite now and i dunno how long i'm gonna last.. projects projects projects plus an in class assignment that i'm doomed to fail.. and wat more to say about my highly unintelligent decision to take chinese.. i barely can comprehend anything and its just way too much stuff to memorise.. i can't afford to screw it with a GPA thats hanging in the middle of nowhere.

argh! i need a break.. oh recess, can't you come a little sooner?

I've never felt as rejected. I don't understand. Where did I go wrong? I'm down and defeated. It's all over!

I've got a long way to go. its time i stopped thinking i'm invincible and face up to the task ahead.

tired yes. but from watching so much tv. i need to get back to my reading materials. plus two presentations up this week. haven't run in one whole week and i'm all flab now! and i'm so ashamed after seeing those hot divers. their packed with so much muscles but i swear i can see the ass bone- or watever you call it- of some of the girls. jealous? u bet.

olympics has distracted me from work... how i wanna be a gymnast!

so the new sch year begins and i'm more perplexed than ever.. the fact that chewy is not in my class means sf and i are in trouble. lessons started already and i'm not sure what exactly to make out of them. still thinking whether to change class.. but who the hell would wanna give up the best slot with the best teacher..and i'm broke as well.. thought of buying second hand but just got a little lazy.. so there went 80 bucks on just two books.. plus i cannot stand the freshies. they come into fal and make so much noise. one bitch even stretched her arm in front of my computer to get something from her fren. HELOOOO???!!

i noe this year is gonna be so different. but i need to focus..and only on my books!

dreading the start of a new school year. oh lord,let me always have you in my heart.

photo-taking later. i swore that i'm not gonna look as ugly as my other million pictures.. need to figure what kind of makeup to wear.. and what should i do to my hair.. its kinda stubborn but dun feel like tying back.. hmm.. i guess i'll just decide depending on my mood.

the emails from lecturers have started flooding. hate this soooo much.

my idiocracy has no limit. oh why am i born so dim-witted that i can't even give myself a proper nickname/username/emailadd/etc? i'm so taken away by all the fantasies in my head and i just nick myself anything that appears nice at that moment and i dun think about what it would sound like 10 years later! oh god, its not even 10 years yet! damn. i've got to become more imaginative. or well maybe a little less creative and stick to the boring ones.

i've got my interview tmr. tried to read up.. painstakingly went thru the business times that daddy had bought.. seriously, business news is so boring. its always abt share prices rising or tumbling.. and that results in all these companies either making money or screwing up.. and with all the oil price saga, the news is getting very repetitive. i wonder how i'm ever gonna survive in such a world. maybe i'll just stick to boring old auditing. ahhhs.. can't wait to get it over with.

having two ulcers in the mouth in one day isn't that great!

my mum's been badgering me to clean my room and i've been thinking that i've got a lot of time. but then i'm yet to start with anything and hols are almost over. i mean going out is like way more important than cleaning my room seeing how i have almost zero social life once i go back to school. ahhh. i know i'm just complaining but its just all this fuzziness when i think abt school reopening. i've never hated school opening as much as now. shits.

yayness! i think it went well mostly.. not sure actually..hehe?


oh anyways, check out this boy! He's like 19 and a bit kiddy but never expected such a song from a latin boy.

its been a long few days and tired at the end of it all. subject registration is rubbish and well, sok fang and i got most of our classes different from the rest of our classmates. right now, i'm not sure whether thats a good or bad thing.. but one thing's for sure, i'll be seeing alot more faces. will terribly miss my classmates but it'll be good to know more ppl.. hopefully i dun have to regret it.. but truth is, we were actually very lazy and refused to put ourselves thru such registration madness for four hours! so we tried like for 1.5 hours and gave up.

i've been getting extremely poor these days..my tuitions have not been working out as well as i hoped and i need more students to sustain my income. damn, it sucks being broke when there's a huge sale out there! anyway, i did but more clothes!=)

met the guys today..sadly pingy had choir and xt is still away.. really random cuz ppl kept coming and leaving. plus, the food festival was quite a failure and we went to suntec for nothing..all thanks to the inadequate research done by kok.. i think i've never eaten as much as i did today for a long long time.. first we went to the chinese restaurant and suntec, followed by nydc. we then went to far east for wanton noodles and then supper at this chicken rice place and another beancurd place..can't believe i spent so much on food.. and there was this huge flying cockroach at the beancurd place! ah sheng just jumped away from the table.. and even girls weren't doing it.

need to clear some issues today.. not sure how its gonna turn out but lets just hope for the best!

its really embarrassing when you see whatever you had done in the past coming back to haunt you.

note to self: pretty boys do not always look pretty

chocolate sienna cake.. yeah..my latest creation.

baking's fun..and maybe someday when i get old, i'll open my own cake shop..=)

so you wanna do a naked 2K run?

i'm really blessed.


The power of God is with you at all times; through the activities of mind, senses, breathing, and emotions; and is constantly doing all the work using you as a mere instrument.

-Bhagavad Gita

this euro is really for the dark horses.

everytime i look at the mirrors nowadays, i just feel like throwing something at it. its strange coming from the narcissistic bitch who loves obesessing over herself all day long but my esteem has been pretty low. and i have absolutely no idea why. i keep seeing myself as being fat, black and ugly, as if shrek looks more desirable than me.the worst part is that my depression has got me spending serious bucks on unwanted stuff. damn. i need help.

the song is so funny but totally hot...

The thing about love
Is i never saw it coming
It kinda crept up and took me by surprise
And now there’s a voice inside my heart that’s got me wondering
Is this true, i want to hear it one more time

Move in a little closer
Take it to a whisper
Just a little louder

Say it again for me
Cuz i love the way it feels when you are telling me that i’m
The only one who blows your mind
Say it again for me
It’s like the whole world stops to listen
When you tell me you’re in love
Say it again

Thing about you is you know just how to get me
You talk about us like there’s no end in sight
The thing about me is that i really want to let you
Open that door and walk into my life

Move in a little closer
Take it to a whisper
Just a little louder

Say it again for me
Cuz i love the way it feels when you are telling me that i’m
The only one who blows your mind
Say it again for me
It’s like the whole world stops to listen
When you tell me you’re in love

And it feels like it’s the first time
That anybody's ever brought the sun without the rain
And never in my whole life
Have I heard words as beautiful as when you say my name

Say it again for me
Cuz i love the way it feels when you are telling me that i’m
The only one who blows your mind
Say it again for me
It’s like the whole world stops to listen
When you tell me you’re in love
Say it again

When you tell me you’re in love…
Say it again

I dunno..maybe i'll just apply for second major and see how.. i'll just reject it if i dun like it.. the thing is that i'm not interested in any minor so i dun really noe if its safe graduating with one degree.. but i also dun wanna end up mugging my whole uni life and maybe not even do well at the end of the day. so, i dunno..

my eyes are a little but screwed up rite now.. hope i dun go blind..

never thought that retail therapy could be this good.. is it just me or are there like way more sales this year than last.. so far, i got 2 Daniel Yam dresses which I dun really have an occasion to wear for right now, a Guess bag, a shiny pair of shoes,some accesories and random other clothes.. okay, i need more shoes and maybe some new clothes for school.. but i'm thinking i'm gonna start dressing down in school since everyone's so bochap and i dun wanna feel like some oddball..

the orphanage is really not that bad a movie.. i mean you never think that Western scary movies are ever scary but this one was very good.. it has got no gore or blood or monsters but they used old school horror movie tricks to scare you.. worth watching.. man, i wanna learn spanish!

plus, i dun think i'm gonna work.. its like less than 2 months and its not that easy finding a job.. which means less shopping..=<

results out. i've been trying to not check them all these time. not as good as the last time but better than i had expected. and thank god for stats!

Acct II-B+
Stats-B+
OB-B+
Econs-A-
Comms-A-

so, my gpa has fallen below 4.5.. somehow i think i have done eveything i could. i don't know, maybe i'll try to be less distracted. but first, i've got to start with astro.

no, i'm not dead. just lazy to blog or do much actually. one month of hol is already over. and so is astro.. just two more weeks and i can officially start holidays..yays!! i'm wondering whether to work but i suppose its hard to find work for like 2 months. maybe waitressing part time cuz i happen to have quite a number of tuition offers now.. and guess this will be like my last real holiday since it'll be internship next year. its fast ain't it.. one year's already over and two years from now, i'll be out of school..double yays!

i finally decided to plan start a prudential savings plan.. bank interest rate is ridiculous and i've gotta start making money if i wanna retire early. after my financial planner did an analysis, i realised that i actually have no expenditure.. i'm like totally living off my parents.. oops! i'm just consoling myself by saying that i indulge them with expensive stuff periodically.. but then again, maybe i seriously need to do something..

GSS is killing me.. it comes at a time when bank acc is at an all time low. darns! ok, so far, i've only spent $200 of which half was for someone else. and i still need to buy a bag, clothes, body shop stuff and maybe do my hair.. anyway, i finally saw harold and kumar that other day and man, its absolutely hilarious! i wonder why ppl say the first one's better.. i think this is better maybe cuz its more kinky.. =)

astro is really interesting.. not the lessons but the subject.. the scale of the whole universe is just beyond anything you can imagine that you are almost totally insignificant.. it'll really be fun to travel to visit galaxies and stars and who knows, you may find humans somewhere.. i was thinking like when i grow very old, i should go on a Voyager-like mission to another galaxy.. since Voyager will never return, i'll just be dead in space after seeing all those cool places.. though i doubt thats likely to ever happen.. haha.. i just wish those lectures could do justice to the subject..

steamboat at jp's place yest.. i was so full that i gained a full kg in 1 meal... need to get back to 45.. and fast..

I can't help but sometimes feel awfully jealous of everyone around me. let me list a few who have made me a little bit more miserable abt my life:

some fortunate beings who are born into families that became rich because their grandfathers were smart enough to make that one good business decision. these people will always be rich and prosperous without much effort of their own. it pains me to see these people getting mediocre grades and just strut their stuff overseas because you know that at the end of the day, they will be better off than you.. then what is the value of hard work? there is no level playing field in a society where the rich get richer and the middle class just gets more and more stretched.

the ones who have such freedom that they can choose their own destiny without being tied down by those around them.. i have felt terrrible about not being able to do many things .. never been able to stay out past midnite, never been able to travel on my own, never been able to be what i want to be, go for adventures.. it feels like being locked up in a shell which is tightly sealed. when those around me do everything that i would never be allowed to, it makes me so horrible jealous that i want to lock them all into a cage!

the people whom you label as "cannot-make-it"s who end up doing a hell lot better than you.. again, this could be partially due to money but it is worst when they end up in a good position because of pure hard work.. i think i've always been moderately hardworking and have always looked down at those who have their whole lives evolving around books and exams. but when you realise that this is perhaps another ticket to sucess when you are not naturally smart or rich, you feel so incapable at not being able to be like them. and you suddenly feel looked down at.

the ones you disregard who end up with girlfriends who are hell lot better than you.. you knew you had a chance in the past and you knew you totally blew it with that overflowing ego and pride.

the people who have such interesting lives. who go out with so many people and have lives that aren't as mundane as yours. i'm glad for the kind of friends i have but sometimes it really feels lonely when u see others who seem so popular and always doing things that you haven't done. compared to them, your life is really boring.. this year's been a really great example for that.




i suppose people probably think i have things that they wish they did.. like the fact that i should be happy to do my degree in the best local school, to have the kind of family that is so informal and somewhat enjoyable. to have the kind of drive to do things that they couldn't.. but when you get so used to your life, you don't appreciate it anymore.

i suppose the grass is always greener on the other side..

exam was over like a week ago... well, lets not really talk abt exams.. this sem is a disaster. period.

had that ubin trip the day after exam.. it was all pretty fast cuz it was only a sat/sun.. but it was way better relaxing at the resort than a stupid tent.. the chalets's quite alrite.. there were more than enough rooms and toilets for all of us.. except for that stupid air con that charles turned to 16 degrees.. ended up sleeping in a freezer..no exaggeration.. seafood was okay too.. i mean, i'm not a fan of seafood but the food was pretty good for the amt we paid. went up the quarry...cycled until my ass became sore.. bridge, captain's ball.. was great to spend time with ppl u normally dun and talk with them all in a different way.. yeah..it was fun..

still staying at my aunt's house except that now i come back home every now and then.. i'm gonna get into a 1 month plan to get into shape again. browsing thru fitness mags and videos.. still thinking of the half marathon.. also, need to start working.. can only do it part time cuz i'm taking special sem.. yeah, call me lifeless but i just wanna finish all this shit.. plus its only 1 module anyway.. plus i like astro!=)

got sheryl's party tmr.. need to find something pink and striped.. oh manz!

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll be she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough for me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

i suppose i should be studying seeing that exams are in one weeek.. yes i haven't started any revision and i dun even noe if i'll ever do it. this sem really sucks.. guess i should start hoping for some divine intervention.. my dinner plans keep getting postponed and i'm turning into a complete nerd. thank goodness i at least dun look that part..haha, at least i hope..

i'm actually staying with my aunt now, seeing that i can get to school in 10 mins instead of 1.5hrs.. maybe i'll stay there throughout the exam duration seeing how i have like zero distraction without an internet connection.. i have to start sometime and i need to do it now! YES YES YES!!! I'M GONNA START MUGGING NOW!!=)

unlike what the idiot leongwoon predicted, my creative assignment managed an A-. yays!=)

sometimes you regret and sometimes you just have to move on...

finally, finished with all projects and other bullshit except for a ob qna. relief at last.. the weekend was somehow productive. spending time doing tutorials and my depressing econs lectures..especially proud of my stats..finished the whole thing without the darn lecture. still got cs100 e-lecture to go.. other than that, its good for now..

i really think i need to get a life.. exams in one month and holidays soon after..yays! class outing..haha..we were thinking of ubin.. seriously sick of the place but wouldn't mind it as long as i dun go near noordin or bahru or see any np kids. like just sit near the beach and watch the sea without all the ppl shouting.. hmm..shall plan for the class..but hopefully not a sc6 nitemare...

piggy and i made a pact for a month. haha, can't really say wat its abt cuz i'm not sure who reads this.

so we'll see, 1 month from now..=)

my grandma passsed away last tuesday. seriously, i dunno how and what to feel. its not that i'm being some stone hearted bitch or anything but it was just strange that i didn't cry at all. not a single tear. i'm sad very much indeed but somehow death seems like a much better choice for her seeing what she was going thru. when i saw everyone crying, i felt like telling everyone to stop. i suppose there's not much anyone can do no matter how much they cry.. its krishna'a plan and we just have to accept it. it felt better that at least one of my cousin bro-in-law agreed with me.

my only regret is that i never really was there for her when she needed me. i was so caught up with everything else that it somehow didn't occur to me to see her despite my mom's constant pounding. and by the time i saw her, she was almost gone. not even concsious for her to hear anything i wanted to say. and for that last 20 mins of her life, i prayed to krishna for it to be as painless it as can be. for Him to release her soul, pure and unblemished.

i've had most of my childhood years spent with her and i've grown up hearing how she regards me as her favourite grandchild. she loved me alot and treated me like a princess.. she gave me everything i wanted.. there will be moments of sadness and i'm sure i'll really miss her. but this world was never a good place to start with and hopefully, she's somewhere better now. HareKrishna!


paati, i really love you and maybe, i'll see you when the time comes..till then..

desmond said today,

"The best way to hurt a guy is to give him hope."

I've been thinking a lot abt how i've been so disturbed this sem. it started differently such that this time, i was happier than last august. But things happen very unexpectedly and you just feel so affected even when you try not to. i feel guilty for not praying as much as i would have wished. its just that when u dun pray often, you feel seperated from God and that sucks. Right now, I wish I could say like so many things but i noe if i do, there'll be way too many consequences and i think i'm not ready for them.

i've made mistakes in the past and i thought i learnt from them. how not to be so proud, so full of myself and so egoistic. but right now, i'm feeling exactly as in the past. it feels so helpless. i dunno wat i need in my life right now.. so as the day goes by, i'm just trying to find whatever i'm missing..





ps. i watched boys after a really long time cuz my sister played it despite me screaming at her not to. siddharth is like the cutest guy ever (besides johnny). i just kept smiling from frame to frame cuz he looked so good whether he was clean, dirty or simply running nude. it was good that my mum wasn't around. and apparently he's like tamil speaking indian. i noe that doesn't matter to me but who would have guessed rite.. plus, he just got divorced..siddharth, want to marry me?

i've realised how my blog posts seem to be getting shorter and shorter. well, there's really very little going on and if i keep whining about school, i think i'll just depress myself. so, before i start complaining again, let me talk about open house..

personally, i think ntu open house was like damn crappy this year compared to last.. i mean the goodie bag had like 6 miserable stuff. but i guess, ntu never really was very hip or anything. the prospects looked pretty strange, and i kept wondering why i would want them in school.. oops. haha.. i was in the external bus group shuttling between boon lay and ntu like a million times until i just so hated bus trips. met some highly interesting individuals who were my fellow ambassadors. esp this guy called steve who was my partner. i mean, he's like really different from the so many other guys in school. for one, he's vegeterian which is great. he's also like so mature and has a much deeper thinking then those jerks around school. its good to meet such people at times as it reminds you that good people still exist.

i managed to earn 77 bucks for yesterday which is pretty good since i never really expected anything for helping out in open house. overall, its not a bad experience and i intend do do it again next year=)

i have accting meeting tmr and it sucks cuz its my free day. ob meeting on tue and maybe wed? creative writing due soon and i want to review it again even though i did it like some time ago. i have not done most of my hmwk and hopefully i can get it done by tmr. my frens keeping calling me out and i keep telling them next week.. but like the next week seems to never come. haiz.. there's also cc girls com this week and i'll have to think about whether i want to go.. not very interested though, esp with all this workload..

oh forgot to mention, CS100 was great. for once my studying paid off, even though i din study as crazy as for the other tests.

stupid kok reminded me of my single status again. urghz...

and as if 10% of my accounting grade wasn't enough.. now its another 20% of stats.

-disappointed-

i have no idea where my recess week went.. never left my house except for school.. its been days of mugging and trying to catch up on some sleep.. this week, i'll have stats and comms quiz.. accting project.. open house.. creative thinking and ob meetings to keep me company.. u can surely sense the excitement.. i haven't said no to going out as many times as last week.. i rmb saying some weeks back that i needed to get thru that week.. seems like i've to accept that its gonna be like that for some time now..



"Fear not what is not real, never was and never will be. What is real, always was and cannot be destroyed.”-Bhagavad Gita