I've been procrastinating from writing this post, probably because I've had too many thoughts and I don't know what I should say and what I shouldn't. I was even contemplating privating this entry because I was thinking of being honest and frank about what everything's been like. But for some reason, I want to share this.

The start wasn't all too great. I knew coming in that I wasn't probably gonna enjoy it. Didn't know anybody, miserable without my friends and hated that people were a lot different from what I was used to. Knowing that I probably made it by some miracle from above (thanks Lord!), the only thought in my mind was to study damn hard and try to keep up with the rest. In fact, I was already prepared to spend three years walking alone for lessons without any friends. I don't know why I was sure I wouldn't enjoy school.

Thankfully, nothing happened as expected.

I remember the very first time during the Welcome Day. I honestly wanted to cry because it felt so strange sitting in a circle not knowing what to say to anybody. First impressions can be so deceiving but for that moment, that was all I had of everyone. The raffles and hwa chongs all probably knew each other and it was like kind of an immediate dislike. There were the really noisy ones and the snobby looking ones. As you can tell, I'm rarely ever positive in my judgement of new people. I found a new but awkward friendship with chewy and sok fang-awkward because both of you seemed like nice people, quite unlike me. For the next 3months, it was a slow and sometimes painful process of getting to know the rest in my class. Cliques were quick to form and I didn't really feel close to anyone in particular. I remember the countless times I used to complain to my friends outside about how everyone was just friendly and sometimes a little pretentious looking on the surface. And of course, the fact that no one was bitchy. lol... What I didn't realise was how everyone was probably trying to get through the same arduous task of making friends, something that we easily take for granted. It definitely helped to have a class because there was some sort of a support system. I'm not sure if everyone did enjoy each other's company but at least, there was someone around. But even then, I doubt I really enjoyed my first year. I was hanging on to so much of my past that I was struggling to let my guard down. I quite regret certain decisions I made during that year, lost opportunities and all but I really had to move on.

While we started bidding for modules, obviously we knew that we all weren't going to be together. When sf and me got all our classes together, we decided to just split from the "class" and meet more people. The fact that we only had each other actually quite made us closer. I starting knowing sok fang on a more personal level and was amazed at the kind of person she was. Independent, beautiful, matured but still super feisty! Just the way I like! And what to say about the stick thin 2D figure that I absolutely detested in econs class who also ended up having the same classes as sf and me. Stanley Chin Jingxi!!! as I mentioned earlier, I'm horrible with judging people by first impressions. During the times we were lonely without chewy, jingxi provided us with entertainment, sometimes unwillingly. Stan's the kind of guy you hardly come across, either you love him or hate him. I could honestly say that that was one of the best seems in my three years. I (and I believe I can speak for sf as well) dearly miss him and we'll come see you soon!=)

At some point of time, sf and I got separated because of her public admin modules. I was back with my "class", which by now had broken into smaller cliques with many going their separate ways. There I was again, trying to form the friendships that I almost gave up on the previous year. Doing projects definitely helps because you get to spend time with people. Rarely did we do projects without having some fun along the way. Of course, there were frustrating times but with friends, you try not to get angry. Of course, I need to mention my tax class because it was there that I decided on what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

This seems to be the time I need to probably mention this girl, who I probably didn't know much about before but oh, what one sem together does! CHONG QIURONG! I was always neutral about her because she was so quiet, I couldn't really figure who or what she was. I just thought I couldn't probably fit with her because we were too different. With everyone gone for exchange, we ended up having all our lessons together, well almost all. It started out slowly and when you face one person for 3 months straight, things can change. I discovered how full of crap she is and pretty funny after all. and definitely not quiet! I'm glad for those times because I honestly thankful for having her as my friend.

The very last sem was probably one that I had hoped would be a relaxing one. I was hoping to reminisce my school days and enjoy my last months as a student. Unfortunately, the stress of jianming was all it took to ruin everything. Well, I still did try to keep my spirits up. My 311 group deserves special mention because they made a 4hour lesson all the more bearable. And I'm also glad for the friendships forged.

And of course, grad trip! After months of planning with rong, finally 8 girls boldly went to Aussie and survived! Haha.. There were so many moments, so much emotions. Spending 17 days together is no easy feat. Everyone had their own highs and lows. For me, the lack of personal space definitely affected my mood and I apologise on hindsight. I want to thank everyone for bearing with each other and making compromises for the sake of us all. Despite knowing each other for 3 years, it was really different people that we saw on the trip. It was really fun travelling with you girls and I'll remember all the crazy things we did. our mehmehs, freezing in blue mountains and white waterworld, overdressing in philip island, riding the CLAW and of course, our craze with taking pictures. ALL YOU CAMWHORES!

And so it seems that the time has come for us to move on with the next stage of our lives. Its kinda bittersweet and I really don't know what else to say. I suppose we'll all still be near each other. For now, it's just yati and me. To those coming to ey, I'm waiting with excitement to have lunch with you all. To the rest, WHY NEVER COME EY!!! lol. I really hope that we will take the time to remember each other every now and then. Let's try to find some time away from work/bf/gf* to meet! And maybe we'll be close enough that chewy will invite us for her wedding and housewarming! =D

*delete where applicable

My mood's been down since I realised that I'm getting fat. While I cannot see it in the mirror, my skirts feel a lot tighter. I've always told my friends, "If I get fat, I'll kill myself!" People think I'm joking but I don't know how to put it to them how much it means for me to stay thin. I know how it feels to be fat and I vowed never to go back there again.

I've started picking up kick boxing and have been doing Jillian Micheal's fitness workout. It's probably the most demanding workout I've ever done. I would rather run 10km then do her workout if I could. But I've got to lose the 3kg and I've got to lose it fast. Just wish there wasn't work to keep me busy. Talking about work, happens that it's my department's peak now and so I've got to wait before they train me proper. For now, I'm just reading and trying to pick up things along the way. I realised, I really have no life.

do you believe in fate?

well, would very much like to.

I'm glad to finally sit at one place and write this. Travelling is not easy shit. Grad trip with uni friends was definitely one to remember- for both the good and bad reasons. Travelling with all girls really displayed the weaker side of us- being indecisive, dependent and un-opinionated. Everyone had their fair share of it but somehow we were all in a position where we had to step in at different times in the trip to take the lead and make decisions. For me personally, my need for "me-time" kicked in every now and then and I took to the streets myself on some days. Though that's really uncool of me, I think I had to get some breathing space and explore places in a way that I wanted- experiencing a fresh saturday morning in the shoes of an Aussie. I applaud the girls for always taking care of each other and holding everything together despite our disappointments. There were many times when we were either lost without knowing that we were or reached a place after the closing time (after having driven for hours) but everyone was somewhat gracious and didn't put blame on anybody. We were matured and that really made the trip enjoyable. It seems we all now have our own paths to take and we really wonder when we'll ever get to see each other as we did in the trip. Maybe we never will get the chance but I'm still thankful for having seen a different side of everyone and for the moments that we've had.

HK was also pretty good but probably a lot more tiring since I went to Macau and China as well. I wish I had gone there when I was a little younger since most of the Korean/Taiwan fashion seems a little young for me now. I was really wondering what the whole H&M craze was about and I think I got it once I entered the shop. It's like a mix between F21 and New Look. It was so crowded that I couldn't get myself to queue to try clothes. Just got a lot of accessories and bikinis that din need any trying. But yes, it was really cheap. I spent over 300 sgd on Lush and I'm not even feeling bad about it. Macau was very pretty with all the casinos, especially Venetian. However, it was the churches and portugese influence that really interested me. That being said, the sun was scorching so mercilessly that we didn't do much sight seeing. Oh yes, I lost money in the casinos. My credit was finishing damn fast for reasons that I'm not even sure of. Oh yes, must also thank sheng for walking around with me despite all the clothes being for females and his aunty for being a super awesome host. Next time, must go in winter!

Leaving soon for aussie! EXXXCITEDDD!!! wuzy and me are even thinking of skydiving! haha.. I'm really tired now from all the planning. Gosh, next time, I'm not doing this anymore!

I'm like a stupid bloody idiotic moron for waiting for so long to change $$$. raffles place first thing tmr.

Yasomati-nandana , braja-baro-nãgara
gokula -ranjana kãna
Gopi-parãna-dhana, madana-manohara,
kãliya-damana-vidhãna

amala harinãm amiya-vilasã
vipina-purandara, navina nãgara-bora,
mansi-badana suvãsã

braja-jana-palana, asura-kula-nasana,
nanda-godhana-rakhowala
govinda madhava, navanita-taskara,
sundara nanda-gopãlã

jãmuna-tata-cara, gopi-basana-hara,
rãsa-rasika-krpãmoya
sri-rãdhã-vallabha, brndãbana-natabara,
bhakativinod-ãsraya.

Went for a run and it started raining. Blame myself for not wearing a cap. Instead of taking shelter somewhere, I decided to just run in the rain. Somehow, it makes you run even faster. Drank a lot of orange juice to prevent myself from getting sick. And hopefully I don't since I've got a busy week ahead.

Exams like over forever and ever, hopefully. Haven't really gone to celebrate because the rest of my friends are still having exams. People have already started flying off for trips and I'm quite anxious about Aust and HK. Firstly, we haven't really done much planning and we still have to book so many things. HK's giving me a different set of problems because I have yet to find a new partner who specifically has to be a girl. I don't know who will be free and I may end up not going at all.

I've shifted back to my own home from my aunt's place for good. Felt quite emotional because I did spend a lot of time there and I did have the kind of space that I don't get in a house of four. Given a choice, I might prefer living there since I get to eat less and not wear pants. But then, it'll take forever for me to get to work. I think I owe my aunt a lot,not just because I stayed in her house but since she was the one with me growing up as a kid. Gonna miss her loads.

I went back to running yesterday after a 3 month hiatus. Only managed a 5km run but my muscles are now strained to a point that I cannot walk straight. I need to be more disciplined and run more often, especially with the 10km run coming up. Normally, I would say 10km is nothing but after not exercising for so long, I'm a little nervous. It all depends on my training this month. I want to look like AnnaLynne McCord from 90210. She's got THE body.

I'm going to catch up on my dramas these few days so that I have time to go out after that.

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose, you can’t have everything
Don’t you take chances, you might feel the pain
Don’t you love in vain; cuz Love won’t set you free

I could stand by the side
Watch this life pass me by
So unhappy, but safe as could be

So what if it hurts me
So what if I break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
And my feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I’m just trying to be
HAPPY (Just wanna be Happy)

Holding on tightly, just can’t let it go
Just trying to play my roll, slowly disappear
And all these days they feel like they’re the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me out of here

I could stand by the side
Watch this life pass me by
Pass me by

So what if it hurts me
So what if I break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
And my feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I’m just trying to be
HAPPY (Just wanna be Happy)

So many turns that I can’t See
Like I’m a stranger on this road
Don’t say Victim, don’t Say Anything

So what if it hurts me
So what if I break down
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
And my feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
I’m just trying to be
HAPPY (Just wanna be Happy)

Studying can bring you to such depressive state, especially when you lock yourself in your room for days coming out for toilet breaks or football games. There are a million emotions that I'm feeling and even as I type this, my mind is switching from one though to another, the only similarity being that they are all nothing cheery. There's a feeling of loss in the life decisions I've made, how I've chosen to act to people and how I let me betray myself. I haven't been spending much time praying these days and it has surely affected my mood. Maybe I'm focusing on the wrong things but I don't have the courage to stand up for what I believe. I tell myself that maybe this time next year, I'll set my life straight but years have gone and I'm still in the same place I was three years ago. It is almost like a turning point now and I need to be brave. I need to believe and do what's right.

I cannot believe I still haven't started studying. Watched tons of project runway and antm today. Sometimes I wish I was taller so that maybe I could try be a model, not here but in US. I'm not saying I'm pretty or anything (I know I'm only average) but a high fashion model doesn't really need to be pretty, just good bone structure and long neck. I'll be an Ariana Lima!

I think I should have posted something about school ending and all but I don't know why I haven't gotten to it earlier. Anyways, yeah, this is it. 311 last Thursday marked the end of my studying life.. Well technically at least, since I ponned advanced tax after that. Now I'm feeling kinda lost since I don't know what to do with my time. Studying for 1 core in 2 weeks and 1 elective in 6 days is not that taxing. And I'm hoping I don't go out everyday because I'm going broke and my trips need a lot of $$$. I'm making a shout to anyone who wants to sponsor me! I can sing, dance and shake a bit. Okay I admit, I can't do any of it. damn.

Before I think about making merry, I have to get over this final step.Its been a great 3 years and I promise to write a whole post exclusively to my ntu life once it is officially over. But right now, I'm just disturbed with myself. There's a feeling that I've been living a lie all my life. Deep down, I know there are some values and principles that I need to hold on to. But, anyone who knows me would probably never identify me with such values. It's a pity really since I think I'm much more on the inside. This all seems so confusing.

Trippin out
Spinning around
I'm underground
I fell down
Yeah I fell down

I'm freaking out, where am I now?
Upside down and I can't stop it now
Can't stop me now, oh oh

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

I found myself in Wonderland
Get back on my feet, on the ground
Is this real?
Is this pretend?
I'll take a stand until the end

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, I won't cry

I, I'll get by
I, I'll survive
When the world's crashing down
When I fall and hit the ground
I will turn myself around
Don't you try to stop me
I, and I won't cry

I took a huge gasp as I pressed the "commit to buy" button, parting with 400 bucks on a new camera. sucks that lumix prices never drop but i guess I'll console myself that It's hundred bucks cheaper than local prices and I still get many freebies. I don't know how I'm going to manage my finances seeing I blew hell lot on fun-o-rama tickets unwillingly plus many drinks last few days. Maybe living on bake beans for a while might help!

Yesterday, I experienced death under me feet, literally. Was in the train with my 311 teammates from Clementi heading to Changi Airport for project meeting. I'm not sure if you heard about the incident at Tanah Merah but we were inside the train that hit the person who jumped onto the tracks. When the train stopped halfway, I jokingly remarked that maybe someone jumped and how unfortunate that my words came through. Felt very sad for the person because its a very sad way to die and I kept wondering what he or she must have felt before jumping onto the tracks. But anyway, we got stuck at the station and had no choice but to take a bus. We had so much work to do that I couldn't make it to SIA office. Woke up early today to finish 311 but was just doing and doing. I only took a bathe at 5pm when I couldn't take the sweatiness anymore. I cannot wait for it to be done. After Sony, at least I'll be more happy. Still have tax which I haven't even read lecture notes for as well as 301 written report. I think I'm going to die soon at this rate. I really want to enjoy final sem but it's been so sucky. I'm so ditzy right now. Sianz.

I hate people waking me up abruptly in the morning! I was in a super bad mood today because of it and my face quite gave it away. The lack of sleep naturally shows in my face (i.e. dark eye circles) and I really don't intend to look like a corpse bride even before I start work. Maybe I should start running again. It'll give me energy in the day and make me get tired faster at night. Then again, the weather's too hot, even at nights, for me to want to sweat it out.

I'm somehow not excited that 90210 and gossip girl are back. The plots are getting too boring and somehow, my favourite show now (besides himym) is COUGAR TOWN! I mean, who would have expected that? But really, there'snot much cougar-ish behaviour in there and I think the title is just for some attraction sake.

My throat is still sore though its getting better but I'm really worried about my 301 and 311 presentation tomorrow. The Puma case is horror and I ain't confident of anything I'm going to say. If Jian Ming questions me, I'll just stare back blankly. And since she cannot get the hint that I don't have a clue (or even if you blatantly say, "I dunno"), she'll make me stand there like a moron, asking me question after question and wasting everyone's time. 301 quiz is a gonner and I don't have timeto think about it even though its barely a week away. I need my life back.

I was sick last Saturday and I'm still sick. FML. Since I was some sort grounded, I managed to make it a semi-productive time. I've finished my final essay on ethics and hopefully the singtel presentation goes on fine. Okay, I just realised that other than that, I didn't do anymore school work. Maybe its because I've no incentive to work hard. 2nd upper is pretty much guaranteed and there's no way I'll get a first. So, I could do with pretty average grades. I was actually quite bored and watched random movies. For some reason, I resorted to watching Paris Hilton's My New BFF. Now, that's a new low. Played some badminton with my mother. She can totally whip my ass. Damn. Okay, not that I didn't go out during the recess. In fact, I was out for many days but they were not for enjoyable reasons. So, I'm not even going to talk about them. Going to school today to hand in the CSR essay. I hate jian ming to bits.

I have to say I'm dead tired but at least I've completed both my critical reasoning and CSR essay.

To a productive recess ahead.

Why do I feel so angry these days? I'm not sure if it's me overreacting or others being absolutely irritating. Sometimes, its the simplest of actions that tell you they want you to f*** off! I'm so miserable for so many reasons that I don't know where to begin. It's always a sigh hoping things will get better. With time it does, but it's always a lesson learnt. Reality hits you so hard right smack in the face that you have no time to react.

I'm tired.

I cannot wait for android to have more applications like taptap and bejeweled.. I'm contemplating whether to buy the Office version for android. WHY CAN'T IT BE FREE??!!! People always say i'm not geek enough for a HTC. HELLO?!! I deserve more credit.

The lime green nail polish I painted now makes me look evil. This is probably the longest I've grown my nails ever. So hopefully, they don't break.

301 still sucks. I don;t really know how much to study for the quiz but my friends are scaring me already. I have a lot of backlog so probably need to be super-efficient during the cny break. Which reminds me that I also need to bake brownies. They are the simplest things ever.

I remember what you wore on the first day

You came into my life and I thought

"Hey, you know, this could be something"

'Cause everything you do and words you say

You know that it all takes my breath away

And now I'm left with nothing

So maybe it's true

That I can't live without you

And maybe two is better than one

But there's so much time

To figure out the rest of my life

And you've already got me coming undone

And I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember every look upon your face

The way you roll your eyes

The way you taste

You make it hard for breathing

'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away

I think of you and everything's okay

I'm finally now believing

That maybe it's true

That I can't live without you

And maybe two is better than one

But there's so much time

To figure out the rest of my life

And you've already got me coming undone

And I'm thinking two is better than one

I need a sugar daddy. or maybe a sugar mummy. Doesn't matter, i'll go both ways. Show me the moolah!

yoyoyoooo! hee. Okay, I'm just thrilled that I survived 10 hours of lessons and tuition right after that. It was really pathetic eating packet food in advanced tax. And I doubt I learnt anything at all since I was so distracted by that wuzy. Charles chow is whacked up! I mean, we were discussing lettuce bras in 311. Lol. At least he makes the mornings tolerable. But guess I cannot say the same for 301. I was quite soft during the presentation but I guess that's because the answers were self-explanatory. And jian ming's seriously messed up. I asked her if we may need to come out with the amortisation schedule in exam and her reply was a simple, "no comment." ???!!!! I mean, what was that all about? I asked a question if something is needed for exam and she replies with a no comment? I think the class was taken aback by what she said as well and they started laughing. Seriously, I should maybe just put a no comment in her feedback thing.

I hate the feeling I have right now. And I cannot even talk about it. I sometimes think maybe I should create a private journal but I always have the fear that someone might hack into it. Ya, you'll be asking, "what possibly could be worthy enough for someone to hack?" Haha.. I do ask myself that but I'd rather I have some things known only to me. Sometime, telling other people stuff may not be a very good thing because they may tell others in the hope of helping you. I appreciate it but sometimes, I value "face" more than other things. If you find what I'm saying incoherent, I understand. Just wish I had the courage.

HAHAHAHAH!! Happened to come across this write-up from someone who has been long frustrated with racism towards Indians. Its so hilarious and dead-frank that I want to kowtow to the writer. YOU HAVE TO READ THIS!

http://www.sammyboy.com/showthread.php?t=17396

My views: I completely agree with the writer but unfortunately, don't think much will change with the influx of expats that fit the stereotype. So, my strategy has always been to break that image of how an Indian should be. Almost all my ac friends take a dig at me when it comes to making racist jokes and reminding me that I'm Indian. From anything to do with black to "why no infrared dot", I have endured everything. ed called me "ahneh" once and when i said it doesn't make sense calling a girl "elder brother" she decided to call me the Tamil equivalent of little sister. That stupid azy said I was too thin and that was not how my kind was supposed to be. "_" But honestly, I'm pretty fine with it. I am absolutely fine with not being fat. I am fine that I do not wear a dot. I am fine to not wear black from top to toe. I am fine when I don't like spicy food or curry. I am fine that my friends are proportionate by race. And really, I don't get angry when someone rips me. It's all just for some laughs, maybe at my expense but so be it. Why should anyone else be bothered?

I'm horrible. I bought a new bag. But at least I can get away from people thinking I'm carrying a $10 bag. My cabbage bag does not deserve the $10 label?!!! Anyway, I'm a little angry with someone. I don't know if I can talk about it since that person might be reading this. But it's really annoying when someone simply changes their mind last min after promising you something. Still wondering what I should do about that.

Anyway, bsb is coming to town! I REALLY REALLY WANT TO GO! Trying to find someone now..

10 hr lesson. sian.

plan grad trip. even sianner.

I WANT A NEW BAG!

I think I should know, how, to make love to something innocent without leaving my fingerprints out, now

L-O-V-E's just another word I never learned to pronounce

How, do I say I'm sorry cause the word is never gonna come out, now

L-O-V-E's just another word I never learned to pronounce.

Walking around hawker centres and shops in Clementi and Jurong make me rethink if I really want my Newton apartment. When I lived in Jurong West St 52 many many years ago, I really hated the place. It looked so gloomy and ugly. The people were usually typical heartland aunties and uncles in their obiang shorts and t-shirts. There were no shopping centres or pretty places. The "coolest" place was possibly the community centre and it didn't even have air con! When I visited that place last year after more than 10 years, I couldn't help feeling a sense of regret at selling that house. It would have been a joy to have such yummy food at inflation-free prices right under my house. The shops there have everything, especially my baking supplies shop! I doubt the clothes there would be to my liking but other than that, all the other stuff are cheap and good. I keep feeling jealous of people who live around there and I know they're probably sulking just as badly as I did years ago. I'm quite nuts about wanting to get my own house because I need space. Not literally but space to make my own choices. To choose my own food, to paint my walls pink, to walk around in underwear. So, that's exactly what I'm going to save for once I start work. Now the question is simply, where?

was in super bad mood for the past few days for a variety of reasons. I think sometimes you can just see in my face when I'm not happy. I will ignore you when you talk to me, I don't smile or I just dress badly.I managed to survive the 10 hours terror on Thursday. I'm not sure if I have it in me to endure this for the next 13weeks. Quite glad that I took court games because it's probably the only lesson that didn't make me mad and I get to play with my friends.

Ok, I'm gonna try baking raspberry cheesecake this weekend.

Today was the start of school and it sucks. Actually I had 1 2-hr lesson of 301. Firstly, the teacher doesn't let us choose our groups. Seriously, the class is filled with many people whom I have not seen or ever talked to. As expected, I didn't end up with my friends and was instead sitting closest to the teacher. She's somehow ignorant to the people in front and looks only at the people sitting at the back. What really irked me was her style of delivery. She speaks pretty well for someone from china. However, her accent is there and it takes a lot longer for me to process what she is saying. She was wasting time on an unimportant "game" and rushed through the last few slides. I checked my watch at least 10 times that lesson. Now, I'm really considering giving up my hot slot and 3 day week. Super frustrated.

Actually, school has started just as it did last sem. Eventually it got better. Just hoping....

My chocolate lava cake was quite a bomber. First attempt was half decent with some chocolate flowing out. The second was awful. But, I shall not give up and will make another one soon. I'll try a more famous recipe.

I'm really upset with my stomach. I eat less than 1000 calories a day but I feel horribly bloated. Even if you don't believe me, I like to eat. occasionally. Now, my meals are getting beyond pathetic. 1 packet plain maggi mee and 3 slices of toasted bread was all I had today. And I already look pregnant. Darn it.

Anyways, I'm gonna dye my hair. Probably not too extreme this time. I also bought new earphones! yay! Okay, I bought it online so it'll take about 2 weeks. I also bought a pink cover for my phone. Actually, it was labelled "hot pink" and my eyes almost popped out when I saw the image on my screen. But when it arrived a few days ago, I was bloody pissed. It wasn't hot pink but just a normal shade of pink. *insert swear word* But, I'm too lazy to complain. At least its not baby pink.

Saving up money is hard job. The urge to spend is always there and I'm still weak. I'm now eyeing some Victoria Secret's bikinis and I'm tempted to get everything. Gosh, I'm horrible.

Anyway, I accepted EY offer. I'm not sure if GST was a good choice and I keep wondering if my current results would have made any difference had it been included. Maybe it's all for the best. I don't know.

The new year brings about so many things to look out for. It's a little bittersweet because it's my last semester of school ever and I don't ever need to worry about grades again. But to think I'll be wasting my life in a cubicle for the next fifty odd years, it's kind of daunting. I'm hoping there'll be something good that happens this year. I'm bored of having a mundane life where every year, I don't find that anything exciting happens. So, I'll be looking forward to taking all I can from my final sem, maybe spend less time mugging and more time reminiscing, appreciating things and making peace with people. I'm looking forward to grad trip and hk as well before starting work. Since I cannot predict what may happen, I cannot say what else I'm supposed to be looking forward to. But I'll take it as it comes.

TO 2010!

It's the last day of the year. A fairly decent year I think. To tell the truth, I cannot really remember the first half. I think I might need to read some of my earlier posts.

I am surprised to find that I didn't make any resolutions last year. I think it could be likely because I had not accomplished those that I had set out in the previous year. So, I'll just copy those resolutions here,

1) run my first half marathon (NOT DONE!)

It's not that I'm lazy to run a half marathon. I just didn't find much time to train, so ended up doing my normal 5km routine runs only. I also had some gaps in between, espcially during exams. I'm back to running but this one is still something I need to put more effort towards.

2) never ever be complacent (A BIT!)

I think I'm somehow meant to work hard if I want to succeed in life. For a long time, I took things for granted, was too confident and too proud. I think there is some difference now. But, I'll still need to do more this coming year.

3) strengthen my relationship with God (YES!)

I think most people won't really see me as someone who is pious, given my general external persona. Given the fact that most of my friends practice a faith different from mine, I just prefer to keep my own practices private. In any case, I am not fit to preach to anybody so I would rather work on improving myself. I'm quite happy that I'm going to temple more often and I'm chanting the Lord's name everyday now. I'm reading books as well, so it's very fulfilling.

4) become a semi-vegetarian (HMMM!)

This is quite related to the previous resolution because you need to be meat-free to really get to the right state of mind. But, I think I want to be a vegetarian also because its the right thing to do. Most people are aware of the atrocities that animals are put through but choose to turn a blind eye. I think that is a very selfish frame of mind but sadly, many people do not feel anything. And just to be clear, I don't necessarily like animals. I just think it's cruel. So anyway, I was able to stay off meet whenever I had school or when I cooked my own food. The trouble is only when my mum or my aunt cooks. My words fall on deaf ears and I end up just eating because I don't want to make it a big issue. That is also why I keep wanting to buy my own house.

5) work out my other relationships (YES?)

Okay just to be clear, there are no boys involved. My guy friends are amazing because they don't give me anything to worry about. I feel I have to think less when I'm talking to them. And yes, I'm still un-surprisingly boyfriendless. It's more with my girlfriends that I thought I should reconnect. Just to remind everybody, this was two years ago, so I think I'm okay with everyone now. It took some time to realise that my friends have other friends and even boyfriends now, so they won't really have a lot of time for me. I re-defined my relationships with my friends - some became closer while others seemed just like a patch-up. In any case, I try to put in more effort now. But friends are always tricky. As for my family, it's more like a sine curve. Now, it's relatively fine and I hope it stays this way.


I think I'm not going to make more resolutions this year but simply work on the above. I'm glad to end the year on a high. I'm not worried about anything much and I've got the best grades this sem than I ever have in my entire uni life. I've booked my 2 grad trip tickets. I even have a job offer. So, I'm very blessed.

AVATAR IS THE BEST MOVIE OF THE DECADE!

Initially, I was skeptical because those odd-shaped blue creatures didn't look too pleasing to the eye. And one could easily pass it off some sci-fi crap, in the likes of Star Trek. But this was beyond anything I imagined. James Cameron is such a genius! The story was told with such emotions and magnificence that you could easily get lost in the world of Pandora. You feel so connected with the Na'vi people that you want to become one of them. It's a really good film especially at this point of time. You are immersed in so much corporatism and materialism that you sometimes forget to appreciate that nature provides and she will always work to preserve the balance. I watched it in 3D and again, it was not the usual gimmicky image-popping kind of effects but more subtle and real. The 3D effect makes you experience Pandora for yourself. It's the dream.

I have to absolutely blog about this.

Okay, my job interviews are tomorrow and we are supposed to bring transcripts. So, I went online to request the transcripts and asked them to be mailed. I thought there would be enough time for me to get the mail. But I recalled at 4am today that I hadn't received it, so I woke up at 8.30 to give a call to Office of Academic Services. The woman took about 2 minutes to pick up my call and said hi in the most uncaring tone. She did not even bother to say who she was or whether it was OAS that I was speaking to at all. I mean, it's just basic professionalism right? I told her that I hadn't received my transcripts and she checked her system and told me that they had already mailed it on 25th Nov. I had checked my mail (my mom puts mine on my table) and didn't find it there. I told the woman that I didn't receive it and she bluntly replied, "We posted it on the 25th. If it gets lost in mail, we are not liable." I was totally dumbfounded. Come on, not even a little bit of tact? I was really angry but since I had to suck it up in order to get my transcripts. I asked her if it is possible for me to come to school now and get my transcript printed on the same day since the interview was tomorrow and there was no way I could wait for 5 working days. She told me to come today and make payment in cash and told me to come back tomorrow afternoon to collect it. She said she was making an exception even though it would be really dumb since my interview would be over by then. It's one piece of paper that I could possibly print in my own home. How long would it really take? Is NTU even concerned about whether its students get a job? Is this how you help someone who is pleading for their transcript and all you care about is your rules? No, transcripts are not even signed by anyone! It's just a freaking printer you need! You tell me, you need a day for that? This is a shame! NTU, i'm so disappointed to have studied here!

I'm finally 21 now. The first thing I told myself I'll stop doing is to swear. Next, to revive my English. I'm not sure how to do it since it may bring some social awkwardness. But before that, I owe a big thanks to my family for the simple celebration with the cake being just what I love. Fresh cream- a lot, a lot of cream! And to my friends for their wishes and presents!

The Singtel woman finally called regarding my HTC Hero. YES! It'll be delivered to my doorstep next Tuesday. After 306 paper that day, I saw sheng who asked me if I wanted to go HK with him and his friend. I didn't even think and said yes. It's with free accomodation at sheng's aunt's place, so it's pretty worthit. But it's only next year in July. Yvonne should be coming with me! Hope that works out fine.

There are some things I wish I could tell people. Certain someone in particular. It could turn out pretty awkward and I cannot really tell wat I could get from it all. It's just this feeling that you wish you could feel more often. In any case, it was like a mini birthday present.=)

I guess you'd say

What can make me feel this way?

=)

My blog posts are getting into such one liners that I should probably get twitter. Okay, so for today, I'll make sure its at least two lines. Exams have started since last Friday. 304 seemed quite okay but it seemed okay for everyone. And so, that would not be good news for me I guess. Today was french and I'm glad I didn't S/U it. Hoping to get an A but maybe that oh-so-hot professor distracted me too much. I actually wrote this in my essay, "II y a très beaus hommes en France". But I suppose that's somewhat true. Forensic was rubbish from the word go and i'm a little upset. It's just 306 left for me to get through with.

oh, just want to give thanks for the piece of good news. =)

You are such a piece of work. I hope you find some love.

the sickest feeling in the world is what i have right now.

maybe i misjudged. maybe it's all for the best.

My card for PayPal got approved but I couldn't find the 4 digit code in my card statement. Rather frustrating since e bay's having very good deals now and I can't buy anything. =(

Anyway, hoping Chelski thrashes Manure.

I know no one but Krsna as my Lord, and He shall remain so even if He handles me roughly by His embrace or makes me brokenhearted by not being present before me. He is completely free to do anything and everything, for He is always my worshipful Lord unconditionally.

-Lord Caitanya

A good friend of mine sent me an email, personally urging me to sign the petition on marital rape. This issue has been much discussed for a couple of months now and I did give it some thought. I think by face value, it's very easy to condemn the law for not taking any action against marital rape. It's an absolutely horrible act, the person responsible should be punished. But the fact is unlike other laws where you can bring about material evidence to suggest guilt, the type of evidence here would be rather weak. It would be even worse in bitter divorce cases, especially those involving child custody. How would you be sure that the woman is not conniving some kind of plan to get a divorce and spite her husband? I think that the law's already pretty biased against men, especially since women these days can be quite a bitch. I honestly empathize with women who sometimes have no way to get out of such torment but I just don't think that enacting a law would be the best answer. It would really screw innocent men and the law has a high potential for being misused. I can't think of any good solution for these women but if you are stuck in such a marraige, get yourself a divorce early.

I just realised how bad my spoken English has become. I'm talking like a total ah lian! shit. oh i miss ac! My language just sucks so bad I'm finding it hard to talk to people without making myself look dumb. Come on prav, you still have it in you!

I finally finished watching how I met your mother till the latest episode! Barney's such a genius and it's great that Barney and Robin are together. They look so..wait for it.. AWESOME!

I checked my weight today. 46.9kg =)

do values mean anything to people these days?

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even without fists held high, yeah
Never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now
I can't stop

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone
I'm already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone
Already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

My blogging's rather irregular lately. It's nothing but the same things happening so I don't really have anything much to talk about. Just need to learn to appreciate people more. I'm on a high now! =)

now, to figure how to get myself into ey tax..

Three days of hard core mugging.. Ok, actually not that hard core. But the point is, it was something I wish i'd never have to do again! There's not even a one day break and its back to seminars. I have yet to touch any and I'm not sure how much I'm going to get done.

Tomorrow's Big 4 Fair and I'm still quite confused. I need to ask the people about tax, cuz if I make this one decision wrong, I'll be screwed for the rest of my life. And wuzy is sure to kill me if I switch to audit. Hopefully, that doesn't happen! I hope EY accepts me. Normally when I plan myself to go somewhere, it never ends up as such. So, I'm crossing my fingers.

My hair is pretty messed up and it's completely my fault. Need to survive at least a month with this. Crap.

i'm doing some really stupid things these days.

my "daughters-in-law" is not loading for episode 26! which means I have to wait until next week to watch it. bleah! I have been wasting my Sunday morning and afternoon. watched F1 (hamilton was 3rd!=D) and the replay of manure drawing with sunderland =D=D=D.. I thought I wouldn't have finished studying but have been rather efficient with 304. 306 is some sort in my mind and I guess I'm not too worried now. It's possibly forensic thats giving me the creeps since everyone will some sort score. I still have joel's party tonite and thank god he moved so near me! I could possibly run there but I think that's possibly not a good idea. And I'm so proud of my stomach these days. It's flat. =)

"당신은 매우 수있습니다 cute"!

-mijin

i'm so upset with the latest season of desperate housewives. i'm not going to spoil it for anyone but i was hoping mike didn't marry her.

If I had a dime

For every single time

These boys stop and stare

I'll be a billionaire!

This is like one of the best rhyming lyrics of all time. and its totally stuck in my head.

being vegetarian is quite awesome. i suppose its been rather hard because of the lack of anything vege in jurong point and the fact that can B vege stall is getting quite horrible. ended up cooking pasta with tomato sauce. and i've to probably survive on that for a while. i miss mooncakes though. i mean the snow skin kind.. and come to think of it, i don't think they have eggs in those.. should check it out. so why do i say its awesome? because i'm guilt-free. =)

This mode of nothingness needs to stop. If I can be this boring when i'm in school, I cannot imagine what might happen when I start working. There's very little to do this semester. I mean, I could pick up my books if I wanted to but other than that, I find myself having nothing to do. I return straight home, watch my Korean dramas and try to keep myself occupied till I get sleepy. It's my last year and there's no excitement at all. I don't feel happy or sad or angry about anything. I'm just going through the process hoping that something, anything might happen.

Gym's not making me happy as well. I've always believed in looking good for myself but now, I stare at the mirror and I feel sick. Not seeing my family or my aunt makes it worst. I used to think that living home alone would be awesome because I get to do anything. To tell the truth, it was great for a few weeks but after that, you feel like it's only you. I told my mum that I wanted to buy a studio apartment and move out as soon as I can afford it. Obviously my mum blew her top and said I won't be leaving the house until I get married. Seeing that the probability of the time taken for me to afford my own house might be higher the time I take to get married, I'm even more determined to fight for my own crib. But now, I think I see the bad side of it and maybe I need to figure something out.

My friends are great. But time changes things and when you travel a different journey from your friend, the mechanics of your relationship does change. I don't feel as close to my st.marg's friends anymore. Maybe to a certain extent, it could be because I haven't taken that much effort to see them. Till today, I think that I had one of my best times in st.marg's. It wasn't classy like AC or reputable like NBS but I was somehow at ease. I wasn't cool, I didn't look pretty, I wasn't the smartest. But I had awesome friends. I still keep in touch with my AC friends but I can see that things are going to change. And now, everyone seems to have a boyfriend or girlfriend and that somehow makes that person the most important. I'm not sour grapes or anything. Honestly I'm very very happy for them. But in some way, a little jealous. So many friends not in Singapore and its really sucking.

I hope things change. I really hope there's more.

You would not believe your eyes,
If ten million fireflies.
Lit up the world as I fell asleep.
'Cause they fill the open air,
And leave teardrops everywhere.
You think me rude,
But I would just stand and stare.

I'd like to make myself believe,
That Planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
'Cause everything is never as it seems.

'Cause I get a thousand hugs,
From ten thousand lightening bugs.
As they try to teach me how to dance,
A foxtrot above my head,
A sockhop beneath my bed.
The disco ball is just hanging by a thread.

I'd like to make myself believe,
That Planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
'Cause everything is never as it seems when I fall asleep.

Leave my door open just a crack (please take me away from here),
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac (please take me away from here).
Why do I tire of counting sheep? (please take me away from here)
When I'm far too tired to fall asleep.

To ten million fireflies,
I'm weird 'cause I hate goodbyes.
I got misty eyes as they said farewell,
But I know where several are.
If my dreams get real bizarre,
'Cause I saved a few and I keep them in a jar.

I'd like to make myself believe,
That Planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep,
'Cause everything is never as it seems when I fall asleep.

Apparently if you didn't know, today was the Ministerial Forum in NTU where the PM gave a speech. No, I did no attend. But I was walking by the auditorium at 2.30 to see about 10 policemen gathered around. So, Lee Hsien Loong was coming. even if you didn't know, that would make sure you did. 10 ppl to waste their time a clear 4 to 5 hours from the start of the event.. and bags had to be deposited somewhere else i think. so much security for one man and who really is he? is he any more than any other Singaporean? i don't know, you answer that yourself!

wat i was really disturbed by was that the forum was attended largely by foreigners. and they seem to be singing praises of Lee. His speech talked on how Singaporeans need to embrace foreigners (the same bs his govt had been trying to psycho us with) and so obviously foreigners find this something they can accept. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate foreigners. I have frens who are such and I never discriminate. We have our differences, i'm quite not on the same page as them but that's my own problem, not theirs. But its how foreigners look at things so positively that it makes us locals seemd like cry babies who depend on their govt for everything. i guess maybe because we've had such propaganda thrown at us all these time, its hard to appreciate the government. human rights is fundamental in any society. for the sake of superficial peace, Singaporeans have to forsake their rights. Why does the govt not ask us what we want but instead always tell us what to do? Honestly, i'm disilusioned. I appreciate what I have but its never the feeling of satisfaction because some people value other things more than economic status or security.

So, pap will keep welcoming foreigners. because they know that that's the only support they will have in the coming years. =(

i'm getting darker than midnight! after dyeing my hair to dark brown, i can't even see my face properly! and my dark circles are even darker though i thought that could never happen. just kill me!

I feel like a total jackass for not wishing ed off on exchange. I have no excuse at all since I wasn't the busiest person last week. I suck. period.

i have no idea wats been up with me this sem but i'm totally not bothered abt anything. i almost totally missed the add/drop (the one where there are actually vacancies) and i haven't bought books. i dun even enjoy seeing ppl anymore. i mean i never enjoyed that but its like u just wish u can run away from all of them. because they always remind you of how life's not that great! i might really go into depression. the kind that no one knows about because i'm quite crazy on the outside. or maybe, i'm just thinking too much!

I got a letter from CPF Board saying that i had insufficient funds for insurance deduction in my account. i think i only had 100 plus in my account because most of my jobs did not pay CPF. and seems that the stupid govt took all my money to pay off all sort of insurance. so in the end, all my savings have gone to paying dumb premiums for bullshit policies.its not really the money that i'm disturbed by. more of the fact on how the govt uses the apathticnature of sgporeans to push policies.

i think that i am a much more active citizen than most of the ppl around me. if this can happen to me, it can happen to any of the apathetic ppl out there and they would have no clue about it! this has always been the reason why the govt can push for dumb policies because not many pp actually care. and the outlets provided to complain are just useless and one way! you ask your minister a qsn and he gives you a standard answer or something that you've already heard before without allowing for any sort of open debate. after reading so many parliamentary debates, i have totally lost faith in all the MPs. and there are those asswipes who suck up to the govt, from newspapers to school professors! pity..

the govt will probably say that i should be lucky to be born here. i used to think so.. the govt's propaganda worked for a while but once you get older, singing national day songs won't do anymore. except for economic prosperity, i dun see things here being any different from north korea or myanmar. its not only abt money, its abt having control over your life. to be given the right to choose. not just in elections, but also when it comes to decisions that have a direct effect on you (like my CPF and whether i want to buy insurance!).

should've known..the men-in-white are just politicians after all.

i've got awesome johnny depp specs now! yay!

and i finally got to cutting a fringe! it looks pretty nice i think.. but still not complete without my pink bits.. hopefully i'll get that done by this next week!

okay, its been more than a week since pa finished. i dun really wanna blog about it but just wan to say that it was much better than i expected and i think i'll be doing tax in the future. okie, moving on.. i think i need to start giving tuition again. after one sem of slacking, my bank account has depleted and i haven't been able to buy much this gss. but strangely i'm shopping post gss.. buying loads of clothes and bags but it never seems enough. i need to handcuff myself to my bed to make sure i dun buy anymore stuff. oh, finally caught public enemies and its absolutely awesome shit! okay, i'm not being an inch bias but if johnny depp had not acted in this film, it wouldn't have rocked. he totally owned it! i suppose the best scenes were still those between him and marion coutillard. he's like such an unconventional lover. its not the matthew mcconaughey or brad pitt type.. maybe more like george clooney.. he uses corny lines that dun sound as such, simply because its him saying it. and you totally fall for it! oh i wish i could marry him! ok i wish tt all the time!

i'm gonna bake a chocolate fudge cake with ganache. i went to jurong east today to get the ingredients from the bake shop but found out that it had closed. =( and i just wandered around that area so that it wun feel like i wasted a trip. found some pretty good shops, including one which sold kerastase at a really cheap price! i'm heading there soon!

she likes to make me cry. to use words in the most hurtful way. i know its her way of venting anger at me and possibly even to let me know her exact feelings. i don't like verbal thrashing of anyone and am not going to get myself into one because that will never end anything.

i keep wondering if i am in the wrong. is it wrong to not believe a person who has blatantly lied to you many times before, with the her own confession to "lie at her convenience", even if she may be telling the truth?

i want to move on. i keep writing in here that i dun wan to talk about it but this seems like its my only outlet especially when i can't talk about this to anyone else rite now. i honestly wish i could tell this to someone to help me see how i am in the wrong. but who?i need someone to give me a non-biased view on things. i feel really lonely these days. my heart is heavy and stricken all the time and i find it so hard to think about anything. i tell myself not to cry and to focus on other things. but i'm yet to find some success at that.

i am not trying to seek sympathy or pity for the dilemma that has struck me. i believe that its my own actions that have caused this. i dun think i can do anything about it because some things take time to heal and some don't ever heal if the feelings not there. i dun even talk to her these days because i think the less i say, the less the hatred. i honestly don't hate her anymore. its not because i'm saintly and all-nice but because there is a part of the Lord in all of us which means there is goodness in all of us. this i have to accept even if originally i dun resonate with it. i have no right to judge her and i've learnt from my mistakes.

i only wish for now for her to stop her verbal abuse. because it may be too late to regret that what goes up must come down. and that its true regardless of whther you are spiritual or not. please, just stop this.

maybe all i need is a break. i'm tired of worrying about things, people... i'm moving on. no more blogging about this.

so, i was watching another mj tribute today. and i couldn't help but think he's really quite sexy in this video. its really quite unconventional the way he tries to woo the girl but i'm quite sure it would work on me.

what happens when you lie?

i know the ill-effects of blantant lying. i have lied countless times, mostly harmless yes, but with the effect of me having to keep on lying. it sucks to lie because i think some part of you feels really guilty. but after some time, it gets better. you become used to it and it becomes an addiction. thankfully, i don't have the necessity to lie these days. its not worthit.

but my point is that when you keep lying, and when one day you tell the truth, you will never convince a soul. and i don't blame them for not believing because of the lessons you taught them about how believing you would never yield anything good. its time for some evaluation on how to earn their trust, not for thrashing vulgarities to show you din do it but dun realise why others blame you! (if it is not meant for you, you may have trouble understanding)

its been really hard on me because i was thinking how i should react. i don't know if my reactions were the best, but at least i know some things. its funny how its in moments of anger that you blurt out the deepest feelings of yours.

you don't love me, you don't even like me.

there's just so many things i want to blog about. from mj's death to some personal issues. but everytime i get to the "create post" page, i just cancel the whole window. alrites, i think i'll leave my ramblings for another time and just write about course registration (oh like, how boring!).. got my first choice classes. its damn awesome i tell you. sf's in both my classes and the rest in at least one! it makes me feel good after a really bad day yesterday. happened to "lose" my camera. i don't know how its possible to lose it since it was just sitting around my table and i vividly remember the position of it. can't say i was careless because i knew the exact place it was supposed to be. so, i don't know what happened. just need to be cautious. against what/who you may ask! and that, i cannot answer. haiz, its was really expensive and i had to use my salary to buy it. thats why its so painful. haiz. seems my blog still isn't turning out to be happy ever with the change in layout.

i have to look after myself.

okie, i changed the layout in the hope that i'll write more happy things. i wan to put a picture of myself but i really dunno which one to put. cuz it needs to look appropriate, like not slutty or wannabe-like. so, its still kiv..

i'm trying to really think about more positive things. i'm goign to try and make theses coming 4 weeks meaningful.

i'm gonna lose it. its been a frustrating week and i'm starting to not like things anymore. i noe i'm not even supposed to bitch but when you are sometimes thought to be less capable when you just want a chance to prove something, it almost breaks your confidence. there's absolutely no challenge in anything and when you are not even trusted to do something that is pure common sense, you just feel like slamming that person and walking off. the lack of experience does not mean that you cannot poduce a reasonably good piece of work. its difficult to go on when there's no motivation at all. when you know that you are not going to do anything useful. and its bloody insincere to rave about someone in front of that person just because you're trying to impress that somebody. you dun do justice to anyone and you dun earn any respect at all. and it hurts that person when all she wants is to gain some recognition and prove herself. honestly, i dun think that the work that happens around here is alien to me. i perfectly understand the concepts and with some guidance, i dun expect myself to do any less than anybody else. i'm not proud and praising myself but as a soon to be final year grad, i think that i cannot be deemed to know any less, can i? i really hope no one mistakes me for thinking i'm too smart or too good.. the ppl i work with with more experience, definitely have more exposure and know things better. they're really helpful. i mean really. but i cannot be of much help to them somehow. maybe they dunno how much i know but i think they dun realise that i'm not hear so much to learn but to do. I learn from doing because i believe in self discovery. i normally dun ask for help and go google my way through to get my answers. i auppose things dun work that way here but that was my persona vision..

now, i dunno how.. i'm lying through my teeth and making up things along the way just to keep the peace. i really need a challenge. its very tiring for my brain to not have anything to think about for the whole day. i rather do the most offensive looking stats problems and read my entire frs for that one detail than do nothing.

haiz. i dunno..i really don't. 4 weeks and 1 day.

taking bus to work in the peak hours has really reminded me why i hate living here.

a pregnant young lady is standing in a crowded 960, visibly in discomfort by the lack of a seat in the stuffy, aircon-less bus. and yet, no one, not a single one offered her a seat. wat really stumped me was the fact that they had absolutely no feeling of guilt or any sort of emotion at their action, or rather inaction. yes, high heels are hellish at 6pm in the evening. yes, i know its insanely exhausting. but isn't that poor preganant woman feeling exactly that? and wait, add a huge mass of baby load to that. the trend seems to be that its the young people with such ugly behaviour. i tot singapore was supposed to be known as a gracious society.. gracious my foot!

and today, a fucking bastard tried to molest me in the bus. and it was like in open light since i was standing in the centre. i'm not gonna go into details at wat he tried to do but it was really sad to see that everyone was just keeping quiet doing nothing when i was in obvious disress and i could bet on anything that they quite knew what was happening.

i need to get myself a car. with my own money that is. ppl keep telling me that i'm stupid for not taking up my dad's offer. but i noe i dun deserve it. no, i'm not trying to act noble and all. but really, i dun think its that classy to depend on my parents. i wun say much since quite a number of my frens are to the contrary. but watever it is, the point remains that i need to earn money. i was just thinking about all the things that i need to spend on once i start working. and it became very miserable to think abt it anymore. sighz..

on a happy note, i started to read half blood prince again. cannot wait for the movie!:)

i'm booked till the end of the week and broke to bits already.. internship pay is like peanuts and i cannot depend on it at all.. sucks totally..

hahahaha! i need to blog this because its both scary and flattering! i was walking from bugis to bencoolen yest and on the way i saw two young angmohs at bugis village. since they were just two random angmohs, without giving them any particular attention, i went on to walk through the rather smelly crowd of teenagers. as i was strolling to bencoolen, one of the guys suddenly came from the back and tapped me on the shoulder (no, he din let go). he said that he's fren (the other angmoh) likes me. as i was blasting my earphones, i was quite blur as to wat he had just said. then like 5 secs later, the other guy came up to be and out of nowehere, just put his hand around my shoulders and started introducing himself. so apparently he's george and he's from the us. he asked me my name and where i was from. though, quite taken aback, i politely answered him back (his hand is still on my shoulder). and he said that we should go somewhere and have fun throughout the night, like drink or something. i quite saw that coming and speaking in his lingo, i was like,"AWWW! I have to totally go somewhere now!" (expression: highly disappointed that i had to give it a miss.) and then, i kinda released myself from his grip and he was still trying to cajole me into going with them. i put my acting skills to work again and said bye to him by reaching out my hand. he took my hand and locked it around his and started walking as if i had said yes. so this time, i kinda pleaded to him (*put on a very sad face) to let me go, which he eventually did. so all this happened in the middle of like ten thousand pairs of eyes that looked shocked, possibly because i actually played along. ok, i admit that those two guys were kinda hot but i kinda did some rationalisation in my head and thought that i din actually need to run or scold them. they were just friendly, maybe slightly overboard for the average singaporean but i thought they were still fine. and it was not like they could do anything in that place. so when i tell my frens, they are shocked at my behaviour.. like as if i just agreed to sleep wif them! crazy ppl!

right before that had lunch with athena and lw. and damn, it was quite a morale booster to someone who was feeling so shitty at not being hit on regularly by anyone.lol. oh, i'm really happy for athena! she totally deserves to be happy and i love my babe to bits!!=)

i

the sem seems to have ended rather abruptly. the thought that this could be the last sem i might actually be with some of the girls is quite depressing!  seeing how at the start of the sem, i was rather apprehensive as this sem was going to be without sok fang. i mean, she's really the one who can see me eye-to-eye in most things and after one whole sem of only seeing her face, it was quite strange going back to the original girls. i dun know if you rmb my posts in year 1 but they were mostly about how these bunch of ppl were not the kind that i hang out with. not my ac or st.marg's kind but more subdued and less bitchy. i still think the same way but i suppose time changes everything and when you start opening up, you can really bring the friendships to a whole new level. so to think that once most of them leave for instep, i'll be drifting about in the nbs that i oh-so dislike, is daunting.  i guess i'll stick to rest of them but its not the same seeing that i'll be way too loud for the ppl in sg and possibly a total jackass (just as fb predicted)!

i dun wan to think about next sem. I dun wan to think about internship. i wish i could freeze time to this moment. cuz rite now, everything's perfect for me. 

just perfect...

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed

You said move on, where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer in the middle of winter
Like a hard candy with a surprise center
How do I get better once I've had the best?
You said there's tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test

He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth, oh!
(Taste your mouth)
He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into

You're the best, and yes, I do regret
How I could let myself let you go
Now, now the lesson's learned
I touched it, I was burned
Oh, I think you should know!

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your, your eyes
Looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes

Oh, won't you walk through?
And bust in the door and take me away?
Oh, no more mistakes
'Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay, stay

i made a very terrible statement today in front of someone i shouldn't have..regrets but i cannot resolve anything. must learn to be more tactful and less superficial. =(

i need to stop watching movies..confessions of a shopaholic.. another chic flic..strange that jerry bruckheimer produced it..lol..but yeah.. everything's fine now.. i'm pretty contented except with PA which i hope i'll forget about soon.. did i mentioned i cut my hair that day? oh well, seems like nobody really figured that.. and they refused to believe me when i said i did. damn, i should go for something outrageous soon. 

i cannot stand 2 weeks of no football. who cares about the lame internationals.. GIMME MY TORRES BACK! 

caught He's Just NOt That Into YOu today.. must say i was more impressed than i thought i would be. i suppose ppl will say its just another romcom but this wan is diff, firstly becuz of the star-studded casts but most importantly because its so brutally honest. "He's just not that into you" it would kill for any girl to hear that.. but imagine how much better relationships would become if women actually got to accept that. i like the justin long and the big love girl pairing cuz its absolutely cute. and girl says this,

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs."

how so true. everyone (including me) hopes to be the exception. i mean, who doesn't wan their own happy ending.. but i guess with the kind of life in singapore and the kind of guys there are here, thats highly unlikely. there's not gonna be a knight in shining armour, esp when u keep hoping for it. reading the signs.. oh boy do i wish it could be easier.. i can read signs for everyone except for myself. i keep wondering if a certain guy likes me while actually completely ignoring( and sometimes, bashing) the guy who actually does. maybe i'm just meant to be the rule.. 

sometimes i just feel like laughing at myself. why do i even bother.. its really sad to see how grades play almost wholly in deciding the calibre of someone. whether u can get an internship, whether you can go for an exchange, whether you are worth the effort.. i noe i dun give my best in studies but i sometimes feel that life's a bit unfair to me. i'm not jealous or bitter. i just find the whole situation incomprehensible.

ey and moores haven't contacted me. guess its back to grades again! i feel like going up to them and give them a knock on the head. some of the most talented ppl i've seen have dreadful grades and i am sure that they would do well if given the chance. its such an unfair system. meritocracy they say but its come to a point where they are just rigid and stagnant.

 and that is why u keep losing your talent!

a valentine's day not filled wif love..

its painful to come back home, act like nothing happened. trust is a very special thing to me because i rarely trust anyone. to hear that someone whom you think about every few moments doesn't trust you is devastating. and even more when you realise you can no longer trust her. it was never to be this way but after getting betrayed once and twice and again and again when all you've hoped to be is honest, you just give up. i cannot let the other people in my life get hurt because of one person. you keep thinking its just a phase that will pass but sometimes people use words that is worst than stabbing your heart deep with a dagger. you just need to stop crying and walk away. do i trust her anymore? i dun think so. but i still pray everyday for her to find Krishna the way I did. and when i see her as someone to be proud of, i'll be more happy than anything in the world! 

and till then, at least He is one person I will always trust.

watched three movies today..just to see what the buzz abt the oscar movies are. personally i was really only interested in seeing milk because of the theme. but just kept watching one after another. so if i was allowed to vote for best picture, it'll be

1)slumdog millionaire

2)milk

3)the curious case of benjamin button

okay, i haven't really seen the wrestler and the rest of the movies but i suppose the commercial ones are somehow more attractive. when i watched milk, i thought nothing could be better but slumdog proved me so wrong. its a feel good movie, not really bollywood style(which is awesome!) and somehow reminds me of city of god.  the youngest jamal is awfully cute and the music is brilliant. and i dun understand why the ppl in the indian slums are so worked up. it does create awareness and i do believe the potrayal is quite accurate. the children are blinded, they cheat their way thru life but nobody could really blame them. maybe the movie did generalise but which movie doesn't? 

milk was interesting from beginning to end. the potrayal of harvey milk as a sensitive vulnerable man was wat made the movie so watchable. of course lets not forget diego luna and james franco. their roles are not big but they add to the yummy factor!=) and i hate anita bryant. i tried to google her since movies dun really portray ppl accurately but after all i've read, i still hate her. i mean, i cannot hate her so let me just pray for her!

benjamin button was somewhat slow and except for the makeup wonders, there wasn't really much to look forward to. i think the story telling is beautiful and cate blanchett is beautiful. i just thought abthow it must be for her to see brat in his last few days as nothing more than a 5 pound baby not even sure if he knows her. not the greatest but definitely worth a watch!

my sis's com is so messed up that i cannot even open windows media player. wtf! okay, anyway, its gonna be cny and i'm so looking forward to the long break. there's so much catching up to do and we''re so screwed without a company..


so much for happy holidays!

days of sleeping for 3 hours are back. i told myself that i would get more sleep this week but apparently thats not gonna happen. i'm trying not to lose motivation but i can see that i'm slipping from the disciplined girl i once used to be. somehow, i'm doing so many things this sem despite not having any more tuitions. 

aiesec is much more draining with corporate breakfast and other events. just had elections today. personally, i understand that the whole idea and objective of having the elections. it was interesting to see how much passion the candidates had for aiesec and sometimes i wonder if i will ever have that kind of belief. right now, i think i'm not feeling anything very strong but i'm still in it because i like the idea that aiesec represents.  however, i just find that many of the processes during the elections were rather inefficient. i dun wanna be mistaken to be arrogant or rude but i think that 52 speeches, no matter how inspirational dun really go into the minds of the members. there's a saturation point and after that, its s exhausting. in any case, congrats to yunzhou for winning LCP position! =)

i applied for instep on the last day. first choice uni of alberta, canada. i know the results are not gonna be out for some time but i cannot stop being excited. the thought of escaping from this mundaness and doing something totally outrageous is just too much to take in. i need a break and one to canada would be awesome. hopefully qiuqiu, yati, wuzzy and me all make it! 

i'm trying out a new job. can't really say what it is for now but i'm pretty sceptical about what i'll be doing. first training in the morning and i hope its fulfilling. need to earn some cash, save for instep and for shopping. i'm horribly starved since the last thing i bought was a pair of black heels. i'm eyeing a pair of 6 inch but i think better keep that for next time.

presentation on monday and i'm feeling totally messed. my group started the project so late and somehow everyone seemed to be calm about it. its just not my style to rush everything in the last min and it was very tough working with them. i think some ground rules need to be set from the next project. azy, pls wake up!

i've been receiving more compliments about how i look these days. it feels quite mixed cuz while you feel good about yourself, it seems a little superficial that people see you as someone who's just pretty. i know how fucked i looked in my st.marg's days and to a slightly lesser extent in my ac days but at least then ppl described me as confident, passionate, etc. now, its like i count for nothing more.. and somehow it is always attached with the question, "How come you are not attached?" its right now the hardest question to answer cuz i seriously cannot figure that out. and then i came across this article on Dawn Yeoh in todays's TNP.

she said,"I don't even have time for my family, much less a boyfriend ... It actually doesn't matter if I can find a certain person attractive. What is more important is that he's attracted to me. I'm just waiting for someone to make the move first." 

my sentiments exactly

I’m not a princess
This ain’t a fairytale
I’m not the one you’ll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain’t Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

its horrible feeling all so groggy. my nose is peeling from all those sneezing and it just won't go away! two whole months w/o blogging despite being online like most of the time.. i think i'm losing interest in blogging.. possibly a sign that i've grown up seeing i'm now 20!! yay! but then again, maybe its just my laziness. so, nothing much these hols except trip to batam with tutorial mates and bangkok/pattaya with family. shopping's just so not enough! these days, i'm just hoping to stay at home and waste my life away.. think i've been doing a pretty gd job at that.. 

bleah, my flu is acting again!

*coughs*coughs!

i should seriously remember to write more often before my blog dies. need to satisfy my narcissistic desires more frequently! well, the projects have been flooding me and its sick. i dun mind not having a life but the one thing i really treasure is sleep and i'm not getting much of it these days. i'm looking way uglier in pictures without sleep and my body clock has become wierd. i haven't touched books in ages and have no idea what's happening during lessons. Its not the lack of motivation but the fact that there's just too many things to do that you dun have time for anything else. Well, finally got my 201 revision for some chapters done. i should become a good girl again.

it was deepavali yest and well, guess i din really do anything. pretty normal like just another day. just a little foul that i din get any hongbaos but other than that, i'm happy to just stay home. my dad did give me 100 bucks but think it'll just go into my bank account which is looking pretty desperate right now. other than that, i've been drowning in dramas. i'm watching 6 shows at the moment and i'm so addicted. i just hope i can restrain myself during the mugging period. gosh! self-reminder: exams in 2 weeks! AHHHH!

its really hard being vegetarian. i'm still not breaking it but its like major hard to go out with anyone. i'm rotating between the same few places again and again and i'm feeling awful to see my frens not being able to enjoy their dinner. they are nice enough to accomodate me but its kinda making me feel so horrible. why can't everyone be vegetarian? its all the love for meat and its really sad to see that most people don't even have a tinge of guilt while others choose to ignore everything that happens in the process of making its way on their dinner plate. what makes us greater than animals that gives us the right to decide on their fate? i don't know.

many people have asked me how come it is alrite to eat plants but not animals. i cannot deny that i was stumped for a moment. but i read up and can only provide an answer based on my own beliefs. Plants and animals are not the same. plants do not have the complex neural systems that animals have and therefore, they are highly unable to feel anything when they are cut. you don't see plants moving or showing any signs of stress do you? this isn't the case for animals. i so wish animals were like plants but since they aren't, i dun wanna do it.

even my parents are against me so its quite demoralising. still wan to become a full vegetarian by 25 and my progress is pretty good. hopefully i keep to it. and hopefully, more vege stalls come up!



"If you believe in the law of the jungle,that you eating weaker animals is okay,why is stronger animals eating you not okay?

Like you, even an ant clings to its life and fears death.
Like you, even an ant prefers compassion.
Like you, even an ant wants freedom"

recess again. and i'm not going to go on abt how i dun think its recess and all that. yes, i do have alot of work but at least, its a break. so i'll gladly take it. have been up to alot thse past few weeks. aiesec's been pretty interesting. Jumpstart was very enriching and I'm ver happy to be somewhere where people don't judge or act superficially. It did take a little getting used to to see so many random ppl just talking to you but i quite appreciate it and it has really broadened my perspectives. at least i'm beginning to appreciate people more and am now even trying to take a step to achieve my goals.

meetings with diff groups of ppl. yes, was quite good. meeting my babes plus lw tmr. still need to find a slot of ed.. plus two days of non stop project meetings. yay, i enjoy my life! haha, really i do!=)

i survived a rather mad two days.. finally got some sleep which lasted more than the 2 hours(max) i've been getting. 201 din suck.. was better than expected thankfully. and the presentation..well dun wanna start swearing so lets just forget it..

recess is one week away and i need it so so badly..much to catch up and really wanna meet some people.. aiesec camp this weekend so dunno whether i'll even go home.. haven't seen my home in two weeks and i quite miss having aircon.. arghs..feel so overwhelmed. i dun even noe whether i should bother about all these recruitment talks or not.. i noe most of my frens dun care and frankly, i dun as well.. but i'm scared i won't get a decent job since i quite come very strongly at times and am too truthful during interviews that i totally flunk them..

to tell the truth, i just wish i could stop school and become an air stewardess and fly away to anywhere from here. there's so much stress and negativity that its totally killing my soul.. haiz, maybe i just need a break.

i think everything's turned out for the best. i'm not regretting anything that i've done and i thank God for somehow making something great out of a really bad situation that i was in. hare krishna!

school's madness as usual. and i'm glad i'm staying nearer to sch now seeing that i'm coming home from school almost 11 for like 3 days a week. i'm surviving on 3 hours of sleep rite now and i dunno how long i'm gonna last.. projects projects projects plus an in class assignment that i'm doomed to fail.. and wat more to say about my highly unintelligent decision to take chinese.. i barely can comprehend anything and its just way too much stuff to memorise.. i can't afford to screw it with a GPA thats hanging in the middle of nowhere.

argh! i need a break.. oh recess, can't you come a little sooner?